BP Continues to Work Feverishly to End Oil Spill

Gulf of Mexico – Forty days since an explosive blowout on the drilling rig, Deepwater Horizon, BP executives announced they would be attempting what is known as a “junk shot” in a desperate bid plug the spewing wellhead.

Technical experts consulted by BNN state that a junk shot entails literally injecting refuse and an odd assortment of items into the space of the failed blowout preventer valve assembly some 5,000 feet below the surface.

Among the items to be pushed in the junk shot: knotted strands of rope, golf balls and an unused manual for maintaining blowout preventers.

Many had hoped that Friday’s effort at a “top kill” would have stemmed the flow of oil now gushing into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico but there is now every indication the procedure held only temporarily. This came on the heels of an earlier failed effort to employ a “bell cap.”

A BP engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he felt confident that the junk shot would produce results as it had been extensively tested on Lindsey Lohan.

In Other News:

Governor Declares Interstate a “20 MPH School Zone”

Average speeds through heart of capital  more than double.

Smoking Hot Babe Wakes Up Next to Total Loser-Jerk

Alcohol may have been involved.

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You: Tiger Woods in:

Hundreds Turn-Out to Eulogize Optimist

Detroit, MI – Dwayne T. Clarke was always renowned among his friends and co-workers for his sunny disposition. Today those friends turned out to pay their last respects to the man that had been the president of their local Optimist Club since 1989.

Dwayne’s positive outlook held fast despite a life of hardship and seemingly insurmountable odds.

Mr. Clarke was orphaned at the age of 5 when his parents were killed by a runaway limousine from the state’s Powerball Lottery Award Patrol as it was attempting to deliver the grand prize to his next door neighbors.

Mr. Clarke was required to grow-up in foster homes, being shunted around after 5 burned down, two were swept away by raging flood waters and 1 foster parent was killed by frozen waste that had been jettisoned by a passing airliner.

When he finally struck out on his own Dwayne amassed a small fortune when he won a major lawsuit for the side effects he suffered after taking an experimental medicine needed to save his life after the medical experiments he had volunteered for proved nearly fatal.

During his recovery he was often seen working to bring smiles to the children at the hospital despite suffering from loss of appetite, loss of hair, hives, bleeding around the teeth and gums, extreme flatulence, watery stools, sleeplessness, narcolepsy, spastic colon, hyper-tension, erectile dysfunction as well as erections lasting more than 4 hours.

In 1989 Dwayne was elected president of the Optimist Club, coincidentally the same day his fortune was wiped-out in the stock market crash of that year.

And there Dwayne came to be loved by his community; until that fateful day last month.

While leading a tour of the local zoo for some senior citizens on an outing Dwayne was bitten in the groin by an escaped ptarmigan. While trying to fight off the attacking fowl he strayed into a tree chipper and would have surely died had not a bolt of freak lightning struck the machine, shutting it down.

However, the ensuing fire is where Mr. Clarke suffered the injuries that would ultimately claim his life.

Still, doctors noted had it not been for his sense of hope Mr. Clarke would not have been able to linger for the 3 weeks the way he did until finally passing away last Friday.

It was for this brave soul that hundreds turned out in the rain to admire even though the funeral procession was delayed after the hearse was struck by a septic tanker truck leaving the nearby chili festival.

Dwayne T. Clarke, a soul taken too soon.

Optimist Prime

Economists Confront Unexpected Downturns

Chicago University – Economists here have been an integral part of President Obama’s economic policy formulations but in the last 16 months they have had to deal with several unexpected setbacks.

Despite advising the government to extend unemployment benefits for as long as 2 years the number of workers not seeking new jobs remins unexpectedly high.

Likewise, a program to extend government funding for troubled mortgages homeowners are unable to afford has unexpectedly done nothing to curtail the number of foreclosures.

But now a number of unanticipated events have taken a more personal toll on the advisory team.

Last month macro-economist Hans Oldenburg was unexpectedly electrocuted while taking a leisurely bath when he reached up to adjust the radio set precariously on the side of his tub.

Earlier this week nearly the entire faculty staff of the economics school unexpectedly burnt their mouths on coffee that had finished brewing. Only a student lecturer, who had brought an iced latte to the meeting, escaped the scalding unharmed; although it is not clear why at this time. University administrators are currently investigating the incident further.

In another turn of events that was not expected a female staffer became pregnant after taking sabbatical in Jamaica. Although she is not entirely certain as to the exact details, alcohol–and a local soccer–team may have been involved.

Allegation of Ethnic Profiling Raises Concerns

Arlington, VA – Early last week national security officials here met with community leaders who have long voiced on-going concerns that the America’s national security apparatus is suffering from what some have benignly described as “tunnel vision” when confronting challenges to the safety of Americans.

“The world cannot help but see our efforts as single-minded and biased,” said Jasmine Moonbeam, the director of People United for Serenity and Security during open testimony.

As evidence of her assertion she waved a list of the United State’s most recent prominent figures in matters of law enforcement and overseas contingency operations against man-caused disasters. The list bore names such as Anwar al-Awlaki, Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab, Abu Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shazad.

“Why are only a certain type of people being targeted by our government?” she asked an obviously unsettled panel convened at the president’s behest.

Not wishing to appear unresponsive to such concerns the Pentagon announced that they would end all policies that might be interpreted as ethnic profiling and would instead institute a strategy of randomly attacking nations.

The new policy has met with mixed reactions by the troops on the ground. Some worried the US would soon be spread too thin but others saw a different side to the strategy.

The Pentagon Situation Room moments before a massive bombing campaign was unleashed on Micronesia.

“Since they started this I’ve shot two Slovenians, a Samoan  and a some guy from a place called Comoros,” said Private First Class Justin Graffman from Spokane, WA.

“I never even knew there was a place called Comoros; so I’ve really learned a lot about geography and stuff.”

Gen. Bradley McAllister, the brain behind the strategy said the haphazard devastation would continue for the foreseeable future.

“Many nations of the world have long criticized our response to the events of 9/11,” he said. “I think it’s important for us to show them that we hear them and we’re willing to take affirmative steps.

“If they feel like we’re just picking on a certain kind of person for no particular reason then by God I’m willing to show them that America can be just as diverse as they want us to be.”

Asked if the new strategy had borne any results the general noted that many within the international community were far more engaged with US efforts than had been previously.

“They look downright anxious to prove their good intentions towards us,” the general explained, smiling.

And Now A Word from Our Sponsor: Kthul-Aid

Fear of Adjectives Rising In Kashmir

Kargil, Kashmir – While rival political, religious and ethnic factions have long competed over this troubled region in central Kashmir, today saw a frightening escalation in the tensions that have long-gripped this wind-swept mountain city.

A faction calling itself The Lions of God issued a radio address today threatening to unleash an “amazing” attack upon their enemies if their demands were not met.

No sooner had the ultimatum been delivered than the ruling Al Shahada faction vowed to retaliate with a “marvelous” response.

Seizing upon the unrest other groups declared they would join the fray with “incredible,” “astounding” and “remarkable” blows upon their enemies.

Not to be outdone the Lions of God heightened their stance with declaration of their willingness to launch a full-scale “astonishing” assault.

“And if this does not quell our enemies,” their latest communique read, “then we will be left with no choice but to assail the unbelievers with barrages of ‘stunning’ and ‘fantastic’.”

The latest round of tensions is believed to have arisen when a thesaurus was left unattended by a visiting journalist.

Eco-Friendly Replacement for SMART Car Makes Debut

Silicon Valley, CA – In today’s eco-conscious world the SMART car has already out-lived its usefulness.

Now a manufacturer has debuted the Totally Amazing Research Design Car or TARD Car as a replacement for the SMART Car.

The TARD Car’s lead designer, Orin Olson, vows that his new vehicle will drive between 3 to 4 years between refueling stops and produce no measurable emissions.

“It’s really amazing what we can do when people want to believe in you,” Olson says with a smile that beams like a father watching an infant son take his first steps. “I believe this will truly revolutionize the way people look at the environmental movement.”

Despite his hopeful outlook, Olson admits there will be problems initially.

“Ja, there is still a problem with fuel distribution,” he concedes. “We simply don’t have enough of it.”

Nevertheless, the design prototype is all but completed. Olson’s team works feverishly day and night to prepare for mass-production. In a factory lovingly named “The TARDen of Eden” by its many researchers the company has applied for, and received, nearly a billion-dollars in grants and seed money from the Obama administration as part of the much-hailed Stimulus plan of 2009.

“I think we’ve really hit on a winner,” notes Commerce Secretary Gary Locke. “It simply makes sense especially when you consider how much auto manufacturing machinery has been just lying around ever since we took over GM. Why not just give them the machinery and throw in a few hundred million dollars to boot?”

Olson admits getting funding wasn’t easy. The design itself was conceived and drawn in a single night after Olson regained consciousness from what is believed to be the accidental ingestion of the excretions from a rare Central American toad following his expulsion from MIT after failing to conform to its rigid strictures.

“The Bush administration wouldn’t even look at us. But as soon as Obama was elected we knew we had a winner on our hands.”

Secretary Locke admits the administration wants to do more to get taxpayer money into the hands of people like Olson.

Despite the government’s backing the company isn’t waiting for the American public to come to them. Part of their strategic vision is to begin distributing hundreds of thousands of t-shirts emblazoned with the company’s logo among the more activist elements of the environmental movement.

When asked when the TARD car will finally be seen on America’s highways Olson smiled and said as soon as his researchers finalize their unicorn cloning system so that their magical shit can be harvested for fuel.

Vice President Joe Biden once again leads the Obama administration's green initiatives. Seen here in his TARD car the VP was eager to move away from the already eco-friendly shortened bus the president had originally provided for him.

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New Healthcare Law Continues to Surprise

Washington DC – Nearly a  month after the highly controversial healthcare reform bill was signed into law by President Obama, new and surprising details continue to emerge.

Many critics of the reform package had long argued that congress was passing the bill without fully reviewing its contents. After a month of unexpected details, conflicting passages and unintended consequences those who steadfastly plumb the law’s 2,000-page depths continue to reveal ever more startling finds.

Among the finds was $6.37 in loose change that fell from among the pages when a congressional staffer held the printed law over his head and shook it vigorously.

The change was immediately scooped up and placed in a coin kitty by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer who declared the find a cost-savings enhancement but the money appears to have already been spent by the president who was rifling through sofa cushions looking for money for a pack of cigarettes.

Another interesting discovery was a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stickily plastered in the section referring to insurance mandate enforcement. Although it made the section on mandate enforcement all but unreadable, Treasury Secretary Geithner spoke at length to reassure anxious Americans that the IRS and its 15,000 new agents was still fully prepared to meet the law’s enforcement obligations.

Perhaps one of the most contentious finds was a series of erotic short stories by author Gore Vidal, interspersed between pages 1,625 and 1,842 of the law. An aide to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) immediately denied any knowledge of how the stories were included in the bill before this reporter was able to contact his office for comment.

Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will loosen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”