Hundreds Turn-Out to Eulogize Optimist

Detroit, MI – Dwayne T. Clarke was always renowned among his friends and co-workers for his sunny disposition. Today those friends turned out to pay their last respects to the man that had been the president of their local Optimist Club since 1989.

Dwayne’s positive outlook held fast despite a life of hardship and seemingly insurmountable odds.

Mr. Clarke was orphaned at the age of 5 when his parents were killed by a runaway limousine from the state’s Powerball Lottery Award Patrol as it was attempting to deliver the grand prize to his next door neighbors.

Mr. Clarke was required to grow-up in foster homes, being shunted around after 5 burned down, two were swept away by raging flood waters and 1 foster parent was killed by frozen waste that had been jettisoned by a passing airliner.

When he finally struck out on his own Dwayne amassed a small fortune when he won a major lawsuit for the side effects he suffered after taking an experimental medicine needed to save his life after the medical experiments he had volunteered for proved nearly fatal.

During his recovery he was often seen working to bring smiles to the children at the hospital despite suffering from loss of appetite, loss of hair, hives, bleeding around the teeth and gums, extreme flatulence, watery stools, sleeplessness, narcolepsy, spastic colon, hyper-tension, erectile dysfunction as well as erections lasting more than 4 hours.

In 1989 Dwayne was elected president of the Optimist Club, coincidentally the same day his fortune was wiped-out in the stock market crash of that year.

And there Dwayne came to be loved by his community; until that fateful day last month.

While leading a tour of the local zoo for some senior citizens on an outing Dwayne was bitten in the groin by an escaped ptarmigan. While trying to fight off the attacking fowl he strayed into a tree chipper and would have surely died had not a bolt of freak lightning struck the machine, shutting it down.

However, the ensuing fire is where Mr. Clarke suffered the injuries that would ultimately claim his life.

Still, doctors noted had it not been for his sense of hope Mr. Clarke would not have been able to linger for the 3 weeks the way he did until finally passing away last Friday.

It was for this brave soul that hundreds turned out in the rain to admire even though the funeral procession was delayed after the hearse was struck by a septic tanker truck leaving the nearby chili festival.

Dwayne T. Clarke, a soul taken too soon.

Optimist Prime

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