Monthly Archives: June 2009

Scientists Elated, Fearful Over Discovery of New Species

Trying to conceive for years. Dominick says sometimes Andre just sits up at night crying.

Dominick and Andre: trying to conceive for years. Dominick says sometimes Andre just sits up at night crying.

Near the Ross Sea, Antarctica – Scientists studying wildlife here on the antarctic ice shelf were overjoyed recently at what many believe to be the discovery of a new breed of penguin.

Known by their scientific moniker Aptenodytes Fabulous, the penguins are believed to be the first known example in nature of an almost exclusively homosexual species. “It’s a thrilling day for science,” said Dr. Ethel Weinhiemer, part of an expedition from the British Zoological Society. Dr. Weinhiemer says she started suspecting the existence of the new breed when groups of female penguins would follow her for hours whenever she wore plaid flannel shirts.

Some debate still lingers as to whether the penguins truly represent a new branch on the phylogenic tree or whether they are simply members of a more abundant species that have migrated from their home colonies to seek their own fortunes.

Apart from their sexual proclivities the penguins are easily identified by their extravagant and brightly colored nests.

But amid the celebrations came notes of concern. Numbers of the penguins are said to be dwindling rapidly and that has scientists and conservationists alarmed. “We are hoping to learn so much from these gentle and beautiful animals,” said Dr. Weinheimer, “but at the current rate of population loss they may not be around in another decade.”

Despite the fact that the penguins “fornicate like ferrets locked in a Viagra factory” Dr. Weinheimer says the animals seem unable to reproduce. “We just don’t understand what’s not working here,” she said.

Efforts are underway to see if the species can be preserved. Captive breeding programs have not yielded any results to date. In a desperate effort to better understand the mating habits of their charges Dr. Weinheimer and her lovely female assistant have taken to reviewing hours upon hours of film of the copulating animals, locking themselves in a room together with nothing more than a bottle of wine and a Michael McDonald greatest hits CD.

New efforts to preserve the penguins will center on encouraging other breeds to allow the endangered species to adopt eggs and a broad-based initiative to increase social tolerance and understanding of gay penguins through elementary school-aged education and positive portrayals in the media such as how to properly groom plumage.

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Filed under Environment, Science & Technology

Michael Jackson, Dead at 50

Los Angeles, CA – Entertainer Michael jackson was rushed from his home in Holmer Hills to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Within hours a crowd of grieving fans and plastic surgeons had gathered outside the hospital to pay their final, tearful respects. As news of the singer’s death spread around the world tens of thousands mourners held candlelight vigils where they sang hymnic reprises of Beat It as they dangled infants precariously off of balconies in acts of homage.

Though known for his iconic style and record-shattering album sales Jackson’s life was not without controversy. He was twice brought to court on allegations of pedophilia that could have easily turned into felony charges but when the singer, who had been born a black male, arrived in court looking like an old white woman the charges were reduced to the 8th degree misdemeanor of being a cougar.

At the time the Catholic Church called the episode “instructive” and immediately required all clergy that might come in contact with young boys to take lessons on how to Moon Walk.

Jackson and former football great OJ Simpson would later team-up to form a legal defense fund for disadvantaged young African-American males that would seek to grant them protections for predator District Attorneys by offering grants of celebrity status. The movement later became known as “Rap Music.”

An autopsy is planned for later to determine if Jackson was abusing injections of Courtney Cox-Arquette

An autopsy is planned for later to determine if Jackson was abusing injections of Courtney Cox-Arquette

In Other Entertainment News:

Farah Fawcett, Dead at 62

Millions of American males fondly recall puberty.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean Finishes X-Mas Shopping Early

Announces everyone this year will be receiving copies of the complete Black-Eyed Peas discography.

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Filed under Lifestyles & Entertainment

SCHIP May Suffer Under New Legislation

Joe Camel, he was like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all rolled into one.

Joe Camel, he was like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all rolled into one.

Washington D.C. – During the presidential campaign then-candidate Sen. Obama lobbied heavily for State Children’s Health Insurance Program, or SCHIP, a piece of legislation twice vetoed by former president Bush. Less than 3 weeks into his presidency Obama made good on his campaign pledge and reauthorized the program. He muted the cries of critics who contended the program unduly added layers of redundancy to already burgeoning federal deficits by noting the fact that the program would be paid for by steep hikes on taxes of tobacco products.

However, this past week the SCHIP program, one of Obama’s few legislative victories in an increasingly troubled political climate, may be coming apart at the seams. At issue is the centerpiece for paying for the beleagured program. With a stroke of the pen the president signed into law some of the most stringent laws regulating tobacco aimed at curbing cigarette usage.

Supporters of the SCHIP program called it a rank betrayal of everything the senator had worked for. “Where are we supposed to get the funding?” said Gary Limon, who applied to put his son Freddy into SCHIP. “After how hard Sen. Obama campaigned for this program I can’t believe the president would betray him like this.”

Indeed, anger at the president was profound but support for Obama remained high. “Obama knows what he’s doing; it’s the president I don’t trust,” proclaimed long-time democrat and public assistance recipient Janice St. Claire.

Impromptu protests formed formed around the country. “Let’s face facts: we need as many new smokers as we can get to fund SCHIP,” howled one speaker. With that the crowd began pelting passer-by with cigarettes while chanting, “Do it for the children!” Police had to be called in and had to disperse the unruly crowd with air fresheners. Two protesters were later seen being lead away with nicotine patches.

“I don’t know what to do,” Ms. St. Claire added. “Since this new law has come out my kids don’t have insurance and I’ve put on 20 pounds.”

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Filed under Government

Obama Offers Strongest Statement to Date on Iran

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Washington D.C. – While president Obama has been generally reserved about taking sides in the unfolding drama in Iran, White House advisers are crediting the president’s recent speech in Cairo for inspiring the uprising.

In his speech the president spoke of the general principles of human freedom and dignity. However, many of the president’s closest confidantes noted that the president had deeper messages for the Iranian people.

Speaking on conditions of anonymity one senior White house staffer told BNN, “In his Cairo speech the president expressed deep regret over America’s past meddling in the affairs of the Middle East.” Most notably was the overthrow of the elected Iranian government through Operation: Ajax.

“This is something that has always troubled the president and as such he feels America needs to make amends to prove to the Iranian people, and indeed all other peoples of the Middle East that America wants to undo its past mistakes,” our source explained.

To this end the administration is working towards reinstating the regime of the Soviet client-state ousted in 1953. “We feel it’s what the Iranian people really deserve at this juncture and it would demonstrate to the rest of the world that president Obama is committed to changing the world as we know it.”

When asked how the ethics of one-party rule, staunch atheism or centralized economic planning were compatible with the goals of the opposition to the current Iranian regime the source stressed it was important not to get bogged down in minutae, a principle the president has been diligent in practicing during his tenure.

In Other News:

Global Warming Cured

Scientists around the world hailed the first ladies of the US and France for their ability to come together and resolve the global blight of climate change.

“I think it’s safe to say that global warming has ceased to be an issue,” stated Dr. Henry Emerson, professor emeritus for climatology at UC Sacramento. “In fact it got pretty fucking cold that day.”

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

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Filed under Foreign Affairs

Obama Gets Ice Cream

Although Obama had earlier relased memos showing Bush left behind the strawberry in Neopolitan ;Obama has since come out strongly against berry flavors himself.

Although Obama had earlier relased memos showing Bush left behind the strawberry in Neopolitan; Obama has since come out strongly against berry flavors himself.

It started out innocently enough as just another $30,000 trip to the local ice parlor but when confronted by a number of choices the president deferred his flavor selection to congress where his dessert became bogged-down in committee due to partisan wrangling. GOP lawmakers preferred a more aggressive flavor such as Bear Claw while the democrats said the current political climate called for French Vanilla. White House communications director David Axelrod said the president was committed to making a decision but it was too soon in the ice cream purchasing decision process to endorse such tangy flavors as sherbert. Sen. Ted Kennedy’s office released a statement calling on the president to bring back a pint of Rum Raisin.

Homosexual rights advocacy groups said that, while they were heartened by the president’s willingness to explore his numerous options in fudge flavors the distinct lack of rainbow sprinkles was cause for concern due to the message it sent to the balance of American society about where the president stood on gay rights issues.

In Other News:

Iran

Stuff is happening there or something.

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Filed under Foreign Affairs, Government

Pentagon Deploys Assets to Hawaii

Oahu, HI – With Japanese newspapers reporting North Korea is preparing to launch a missile towards Hawaii some time around July 4th, Defense Secretary Robert Gates has decided to leave nothing to chance.

“We’re making moves in coordination with the president’s policy of not exacerbating situations with moves that might be interpreted as hostile or confrontational,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Richard Walcott. Major Walcott did acknowledge that the decision as to the type of assets to be deployed was partly based on recently proposed budget cuts to the funding of interceptor missiles.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

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Filed under Foreign Affairs, National Defense

As Crime Escalates Out-of-Control Sheriff Takes Drastic Action

Moraga, CA – It was once a sleepy town outside of Oakland but the quiet has been shattered by a spiraling crime rate. A confluence of socio-economic trends aggravated by the lingering recession have shattered the once quiet calm as citizens either became victims or criminals. But these same economic realities conspired to cut deep gouges in the town’s ability to employ law enforcement officers or incarcerate offenders. Property crimes have skyrocketed over 120% and violent crimes have risen by 55%. The drug trade is now the commercial lifeblood of the municipality.

“Basically, I’ve got 2 criminals in town for every law-abiding citizen,” said Sheriff Joe Stafford. “I can’t lock up all the criminals, and this is California so it’s not like the people could shoot the criminals themselves; so I did what I could to protect the good people of this town.” And with that Sheriff Stafford locked-up the remaining innocent people Moraga. Now some 25,00 residents are locked-up behind thirty-foot walls topped by razor wire and heavily-armed guards manning towers every 50 meters.

“It makes sense,” said Sheriff Stafford defending his decision. “They’re well-defended, they get 3 meals a day and plenty of yard time. In fact a lot of former couch potatoes have started lifting weights. It’s really helped with overall health and fitness levels.” However, recent budget cuts meant the citizens’ access to cable TV has been cut.

It hasn’t all been smooth sailing. Earlier this month a gang of teenagers were caught vandalizing the cells of older residents and had to be released back into town. “They were just bored kids,” said department spokesperson Patricia Estrada. “We hated to set them free but what could we do?”

James Sutters, (left) volunteers in the prison's kitchens and hopes to have his incarceration extended by 33% for good behavior. Henry McEnroy, (right) is in an electrician's apprenticship program. "I'm just glad to be working again," he said.

James Sutters, (left) volunteers in the prison's kitchens and hopes to have his incarceration extended by 33% for good behavior. Henry McEnroy, (right) is in an electrician's apprenticeship program. "I'm just glad to be working," he said.

The measure was not without controversy as the ACLU was quick to condemn the policy. Ellen Cisneros, leader of the Sacramento based regional office of the civil rights law firm blasted the program. “Thousands of criminals have been left without any means of support. They have no one to cook their meals, provide healthcare or other basic services and by locking up all potential vicitims in the prison Sheriff Stafford has taken away their only source of income. They have been forced to become completely self-reliant. This is not what America is supposed to be about.”

She said the ACLU planned to file a lawsuit against Sheriff Stafford and the town of Moraga demanding that they re-imprison the town’s criminal population complete with back-dated sentences and reduced parole releases.

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Filed under Law Enforcement