Category Archives: Government

Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

levon

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will loosen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”

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Filed under Gay Rights, Government, National Defense

‘Safe Schools’ Czar Issues Apology

Washington DC – President Obama’s appointed official on keeping school children safe now says he regrets not having done more two decades ago when a 15-year old student confided in him that he was having sex with adult males at a bus depot.

Kevin Jennings, a high school teacher at the time, told the student to make sure condoms were being used before sending the student back on his way.

Asked if this was the sort of representation the White House wanted for its education initiatives one White House staffer admitted, “You work with the material left to you. When we hired Mr. Jennings, Mackenzie Phillip’s dad was dead and Roman Polanski was out of country at the time.”

In Other Educational News

Videos of Children Singing Obama’s Praises Cause Deep Concern

The recent spate of videos of elementary-aged school children singing praises to President Obama has Education Secretary Arne Duncan deeply concerned.

“They’re sounding a little off-key and they obviously need work on their arpagios but we’re working on it,” he said answering questions on his way to a meeting with the director of the Vienna Boys Chior.

In Wake of Deadly Beating Chicago Schools Crackdown

Students will now be searched for 10-foot wooden planks prior to entering classes.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

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Filed under Education, Government, Law Enforcement

Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

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Filed under Government, Healthcare, Law Enforcement, Lifestyles & Entertainment, Politics

White House Trumpets New Environmental Compliance

Washington DC – After a series of fits and starts the White House today announced it has come into full compliance the tough new environmental standards set forth by congress this year.

ObamaHalo

Before and after: No longer the brightest bulb.

President Obama, once known for the brilliant, angelic radiance that accompanied him wherever he campaigned, has converted his beaming glow into a more energy-friendly Compact Flourescent Halo or CFH.

The more energy intensive incandescent halo was justified as an unpleasant necessity of the campaign trail but since entering the oval office White House staffers have been eager to point out how the president has reduced his output.

“I think we as Americans should be proud of the president’s leadership in this area,” said Eric DuBoise from the Office of Presidential Luminance. “If you look at all his work you can really tell he’s turned down the wattage in everything he does whether it’s the economy, healthcare or the war in Afghanistan.” 

However, many White House observers wonder if the president shouldn’t be exempt from the new regulations. “I understand the desire to lead by example,” said one member of the press corps, “but let’s face facts; the new CFH is kind of dim and it gives some folks a headache.”

In Other National News

Sen. Dodd Faces Tough Questions on Mortgage

Sen. Christopher Dodd (D – CT), chairman of the Senate Banking Committee which oversees the nation’s lending institutions has long been criticized for relaxing the regulations for lending practices that allowed the housing market to suffer a near catastrophic collapse has himself come under intense scrutiny concerning recently acquired mortgages.

At issue are a number of properties the senator appears to have been acquired on terms far more favorable than would be available to the average American.

“I can’t say anything specific happened,” said a senatorial staffer on conditions of anonymity, “but all I know is that after he bought St. James Place I got up to get a soda and when I came back he looked like he had a lot more money on his pile than when I left.

“And I think he bumped the little dog over to ‘Free Parking’ too.”

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Environment, Government

Government Stimulus Program Goes Tragically Awry

Abbotsford, WI – This sleepy midwestern town had been the scene of much fanfare in recent months. Struggling under the burden of a lingering economic recession the population of 2,000 residents were expecting relief from an adminsitration many here had campaigned for as the panacea to the nation’s financial woes.

Plucked from obscurity by White House economic policy staffers eager to demonstrate the efficacy of Obama’s stimulus programs, Abbotsford was do to receive its first major installment under the provisions of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act until a confluence of innocuous events conspired to unleash tragedy.

The face of the resurgent Democrat party.

The face of the resurgent Democrat party.

The epicenter of Abbotsford’s misfortunes centered on mass layoffs at the local glue factory which has left the town straining under an unemployment rate almost double the national average but that didn’t mean their plight was unheard of or unaddressed by a fresh-faced adminstration eager to come to the aid of this troubled community or the hundreds just like it around the country.

“We really listened to our supporters,” said Megan Cartwright of the White House’s stimulus oversight office. “We conducted numerous polls and focus groups and we feel like what our base is looking are free ponies and that’s what we wanted to give them.” And with that in mind 200 snowy white colts were dispatched to the struggling citizens of Abbotsford.

Yet, despite the high hopes a simple clerical error saw the ponies delivered to the glue factory instead.

“We were devastated,” said the town’s mayor, Agnus Dalrymple. “When I heard the news that the ponies were coming I was elated but then I saw the manifest and I thought to myself, something’s not right. I shook it off because this was Obama, right? They have to know what they were doing.”

Small children from the town and the rest of the county had gathered with their parents along the main thoroughfare to await the arrival of the ponies in their caravan of sleek, silvery trailers. But joy soon turned to horror as the caravan drove past the cheering throngs straight up to the smoke-belching factory that overlooks the town.

“The children were wailing,” recalls Mayor Dalrymple. “And no sooner had we begun to quiet them than we heard the whinying cries off in the distance and the tears began all over again.”

When news of the misfortune reached Washington, White House staffers sprang into action releasing a statement blasting FOX News for rushing to publish the story.

“Those ponies were to open new frontiers in the president’s economic vision for America and all they can do find fault,” said Ms. Cartwright. “This wasn’t just about the ponies but the spin-off industries of livery stables, feed lots and faux leather saddles and its an environmentally sound direction designed to ower the nation’s carbon footprint.”

Conservative critics assailed the policy claiming it was based on little more than ongoing evidence that the president is beholden to the blacksmith’s union. Their green solution leaves brown problems, read bumperstickers springing-up around the country.

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Government

ACORN Scandal Continues to Grow

Washington DC – Two young, would-be investigative journalists have been heating-up the internet with a series of videos they have surreptitiously recorded at ACORN offices across the country. With each new day comes a new video that add to the discomfort and embarrassment to entrenched political interests that have long utilized ACORN’s social outreach and voter registration services.

In these videos the young couple pose as a young prostitute and her “manager” and make inquiries with the targetted offices as to how best evade paying taxes from their illicit business, purchase homes from which to run their brothel and even import under-aged girls from foreign countries to service clients. All the while members of the ACORN staff are willfully and cheefully seen giving every manner of assistance to disguise what are inarguably some of the most troubling sorts of crime.

The videos would be disturbing enough except that it has been revealed another sort of scandal may be emerging. Grainy photographs recently obtained by BNN purport to show an unnamed client working with ACORN staffers for the purpose of bring a number of whores into the house he just acquired in Washington DC wherin they intended to service some of the most unsavory clientele.

This new scandal also involves the pimp being involved in the acquisition of homes using unreported funding sources, tax evasion and undocumented workers.

Pimpin'

Pimpin'

It is not known how extensive the new prostitution ring has since become but some observers say it may rival the the 535 member whorehouse just down the road from its location at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

In Other National Political News

Honky Says Opposition to Obama Motivated by Racism

Cracka

Cracka

Some white trash hick gave up doding tornados in the trailer park long enough to open-up his lily skinned pie hole to claim opposition to Obama’s policies is motivated by racism.  

Cow Flatulence No Longer Seen as Prominent Global Warming Threat

While cow methane is seen as a significant contributor to green house gasses a recent study reveals that polar bears are much closer to the North Pole than cows and as such they present a more immeidate threat than cow farts that must travel thousands of miles. Some experts have called for an immediate polar bear eradication program to be implemented.

poot!

poot!

In a similar note experts agree human contributions to methane output have equally dire consequences for the envirnment and as such demand all foods that contribute to green house gassing be outlawed. The Mexican Restaurant Owners Association and National Oktoberfest Committee announced plans to protest the study as being unduly critical of their concerns.

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Filed under Environment, Government, Law Enforcement, Scandals & Corruption

Domestic Agenda Collides with Economic Reality

Washington D.C. – August has not been the kindest of months for president Obama. With the recession putting the brakes on federal revenue streams and major agenda items feeling the pressure from an electorate increasingly nervous over deficits the fledgling administration is scrambling to ease the concerns that its domestic policies will bankrupt the nation are mere opposition rhetoric and not a genuine threat.

Nowhere is this pressure more pronounced than the president’s ambitions for a federally-based healthcare system. On the campaign trail then-candidate Obama pledged that the program would be “revenue neutral” with any additional cost offset by savings. Yet, with budget deficit projections recently revised from $7 trillion to $9 trillion over the next 10 years even with the president’s presumed savings measures in place many Americans—and members congress from within the president’s own party—are in a quasi-state of political rebellion.

The encroaching debt burden also threatens another Obama campaign promise: that only those Americans making over $250,000 would see their taxes rise.

“Even if you took every last dime they [the rich] owned you could only cover about 40% of the proposed new cost outlays,” explained noted economist Harold Fredericks.

The fact has not been lost on the president’s economic policy team.

“We know what we’re up against,” said Rosemary Hicks, said the chief of Obama’s Revenue Appropriations, Projections and Enhancement Department (RAPED) as she took a moment from finishing her bachelor’s degree in Siberian dung beetle insemination. “We admit we had ideas on how to pay for these programs before we assumed the reigns but when we inherited this economy from the previous administration we discovered that certain realities had been—shall we say—concealed from us.”

Ms. Hicks describes the problem in the frankest terms. “We took a number of very rich Americans and no matter how many we cut open there weren’t any golden eggs to be found,” she told us between text messages with that totally cute guy she met at the “Free Tibet” rally and would so go out with him even though he’s a total jock. “We must have repeated the process at least a thousand times but we never found a single egg.”

Other avenues have proven equally fruitless such as wishing everything the president touches would turn to gold. “Some people said it could have bad repercussions with the president’s family so the idea never made its way out of committee.”

The revelation has left Ms. Hicks and her colleagues searching for other ways to fund the president’s agenda. “I don’t think we’re totally without options though. I heard about this little short dude that can spin straw into gold.”

If the reports prove true Ms. Hicks says a new czar could be in the offing.

“What have we got to lose?”

Geithner's last, best hope.

Geithner's last, best hope.

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Government, Healthcare