New Healthcare Law Continues to Surprise

Washington DC – Nearly a  month after the highly controversial healthcare reform bill was signed into law by President Obama, new and surprising details continue to emerge.

Many critics of the reform package had long argued that congress was passing the bill without fully reviewing its contents. After a month of unexpected details, conflicting passages and unintended consequences those who steadfastly plumb the law’s 2,000-page depths continue to reveal ever more startling finds.

Among the finds was $6.37 in loose change that fell from among the pages when a congressional staffer held the printed law over his head and shook it vigorously.

The change was immediately scooped up and placed in a coin kitty by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer who declared the find a cost-savings enhancement but the money appears to have already been spent by the president who was rifling through sofa cushions looking for money for a pack of cigarettes.

Another interesting discovery was a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stickily plastered in the section referring to insurance mandate enforcement. Although it made the section on mandate enforcement all but unreadable, Treasury Secretary Geithner spoke at length to reassure anxious Americans that the IRS and its 15,000 new agents was still fully prepared to meet the law’s enforcement obligations.

Perhaps one of the most contentious finds was a series of erotic short stories by author Gore Vidal, interspersed between pages 1,625 and 1,842 of the law. An aide to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) immediately denied any knowledge of how the stories were included in the bill before this reporter was able to contact his office for comment.

Obama Cuts Costs; Dismisses Secret Service Detail

Laid-off. Will take bullet for food.

Washington D.C. – In a stunning move to reduce government spending president Barak Obama announced today that he would be dismissing the Secret Service’s presidential detail soon after being sworn in.

“We’re really looking at places we can slash the budget to make room for our policy agenda,” said chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. “And let’s face it; the Secret Service detail guarding the president is one hefty piece of financial expenditure.”

With rings of agents and officers with an internal, secure communications system, helicopters, up-armored automobiles and limosines the annual savings to taxpayers could reach into the tens of millions. Even the bullet-proof vest normally worn by the president will be dispensed with.

“They’re tailor made to not show under his clothing. One of those puppies can set you back almost ten-grand,” an agent normally assigned to the president divulged on condition of anonymity.

When issues of presidential safety were raised they were immediately dismissed.

“Barack is a young man and he is in phenomenal health. He’s not going to die anytime soon,” said Emmanuel. “Our ace in the whole is Joe Biden.

“I mean, my God, look at him standing over there in the corner just picking his nose and rolling it into little balls between his fingers. Anybody that would want to kill Barack would have to confront the realization that Joe Biden would take his place.

“Do you really think he was chosen for his policy acumen? Hell no! He’s a life insurance policy whose biggest annual premium is a handful of tokens down at Chuck E Cheese’s.”

A senior security analyst noted, “It makes sense. Even the most methed-out skinheads seem to realize that a Barack presidency would do less harm than Biden with an inkpen in his hand. Add to the fact that Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is in the number 3 slot and it’s safe to say nobody will be taking a shot at the president anytime soon.”