Washington D.C. – In a stunning move to reduce government spending president Barak Obama announced today that he would be dismissing the Secret Service’s presidential detail soon after being sworn in.
“We’re really looking at places we can slash the budget to make room for our policy agenda,” said chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. “And let’s face it; the Secret Service detail guarding the president is one hefty piece of financial expenditure.”
With rings of agents and officers with an internal, secure communications system, helicopters, up-armored automobiles and limosines the annual savings to taxpayers could reach into the tens of millions. Even the bullet-proof vest normally worn by the president will be dispensed with.
“They’re tailor made to not show under his clothing. One of those puppies can set you back almost ten-grand,” an agent normally assigned to the president divulged on condition of anonymity.
When issues of presidential safety were raised they were immediately dismissed.
“Barack is a young man and he is in phenomenal health. He’s not going to die anytime soon,” said Emmanuel. “Our ace in the whole is Joe Biden.
“I mean, my God, look at him standing over there in the corner just picking his nose and rolling it into little balls between his fingers. Anybody that would want to kill Barack would have to confront the realization that Joe Biden would take his place.
“Do you really think he was chosen for his policy acumen? Hell no! He’s a life insurance policy whose biggest annual premium is a handful of tokens down at Chuck E Cheese’s.”
A senior security analyst noted, “It makes sense. Even the most methed-out skinheads seem to realize that a Barack presidency would do less harm than Biden with an inkpen in his hand. Add to the fact that Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is in the number 3 slot and it’s safe to say nobody will be taking a shot at the president anytime soon.”