Category Archives: Foreign Affairs

Allegation of Ethnic Profiling Raises Concerns

Arlington, VA – Early last week national security officials here met with community leaders who have long voiced on-going concerns that the America’s national security apparatus is suffering from what some have benignly described as “tunnel vision” when confronting challenges to the safety of Americans.

“The world cannot help but see our efforts as single-minded and biased,” said Jasmine Moonbeam, the director of People United for Serenity and Security during open testimony.

As evidence of her assertion she waved a list of the United State’s most recent prominent figures in matters of law enforcement and overseas contingency operations against man-caused disasters. The list bore names such as Anwar al-Awlaki, Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab, Abu Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shazad.

“Why are only a certain type of people being targeted by our government?” she asked an obviously unsettled panel convened at the president’s behest.

Not wishing to appear unresponsive to such concerns the Pentagon announced that they would end all policies that might be interpreted as ethnic profiling and would instead institute a strategy of randomly attacking nations.

The new policy has met with mixed reactions by the troops on the ground. Some worried the US would soon be spread too thin but others saw a different side to the strategy.

The Pentagon Situation Room moments before a massive bombing campaign was unleashed on Micronesia.

“Since they started this I’ve shot two Slovenians, a Samoan  and a some guy from a place called Comoros,” said Private First Class Justin Graffman from Spokane, WA.

“I never even knew there was a place called Comoros; so I’ve really learned a lot about geography and stuff.”

Gen. Bradley McAllister, the brain behind the strategy said the haphazard devastation would continue for the foreseeable future.

“Many nations of the world have long criticized our response to the events of 9/11,” he said. “I think it’s important for us to show them that we hear them and we’re willing to take affirmative steps.

“If they feel like we’re just picking on a certain kind of person for no particular reason then by God I’m willing to show them that America can be just as diverse as they want us to be.”

Asked if the new strategy had borne any results the general noted that many within the international community were far more engaged with US efforts than had been previously.

“They look downright anxious to prove their good intentions towards us,” the general explained, smiling.

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Fear of Adjectives Rising In Kashmir

Kargil, Kashmir – While rival political, religious and ethnic factions have long competed over this troubled region in central Kashmir, today saw a frightening escalation in the tensions that have long-gripped this wind-swept mountain city.

A faction calling itself The Lions of God issued a radio address today threatening to unleash an “amazing” attack upon their enemies if their demands were not met.

No sooner had the ultimatum been delivered than the ruling Al Shahada faction vowed to retaliate with a “marvelous” response.

Seizing upon the unrest other groups declared they would join the fray with “incredible,” “astounding” and “remarkable” blows upon their enemies.

Not to be outdone the Lions of God heightened their stance with declaration of their willingness to launch a full-scale “astonishing” assault.

“And if this does not quell our enemies,” their latest communique read, “then we will be left with no choice but to assail the unbelievers with barrages of ‘stunning’ and ‘fantastic’.”

The latest round of tensions is believed to have arisen when a thesaurus was left unattended by a visiting journalist.

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Obama Offers Strongest Statement to Date on Iran

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Washington D.C. – While president Obama has been generally reserved about taking sides in the unfolding drama in Iran, White House advisers are crediting the president’s recent speech in Cairo for inspiring the uprising.

In his speech the president spoke of the general principles of human freedom and dignity. However, many of the president’s closest confidantes noted that the president had deeper messages for the Iranian people.

Speaking on conditions of anonymity one senior White house staffer told BNN, “In his Cairo speech the president expressed deep regret over America’s past meddling in the affairs of the Middle East.” Most notably was the overthrow of the elected Iranian government through Operation: Ajax.

“This is something that has always troubled the president and as such he feels America needs to make amends to prove to the Iranian people, and indeed all other peoples of the Middle East that America wants to undo its past mistakes,” our source explained.

To this end the administration is working towards reinstating the regime of the Soviet client-state ousted in 1953. “We feel it’s what the Iranian people really deserve at this juncture and it would demonstrate to the rest of the world that president Obama is committed to changing the world as we know it.”

When asked how the ethics of one-party rule, staunch atheism or centralized economic planning were compatible with the goals of the opposition to the current Iranian regime the source stressed it was important not to get bogged down in minutae, a principle the president has been diligent in practicing during his tenure.

In Other News:

Global Warming Cured

Scientists around the world hailed the first ladies of the US and France for their ability to come together and resolve the global blight of climate change.

“I think it’s safe to say that global warming has ceased to be an issue,” stated Dr. Henry Emerson, professor emeritus for climatology at UC Sacramento. “In fact it got pretty fucking cold that day.”

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

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Obama Gets Ice Cream

Although Obama had earlier relased memos showing Bush left behind the strawberry in Neopolitan ;Obama has since come out strongly against berry flavors himself.

Although Obama had earlier relased memos showing Bush left behind the strawberry in Neopolitan; Obama has since come out strongly against berry flavors himself.

It started out innocently enough as just another $30,000 trip to the local ice parlor but when confronted by a number of choices the president deferred his flavor selection to congress where his dessert became bogged-down in committee due to partisan wrangling. GOP lawmakers preferred a more aggressive flavor such as Bear Claw while the democrats said the current political climate called for French Vanilla. White House communications director David Axelrod said the president was committed to making a decision but it was too soon in the ice cream purchasing decision process to endorse such tangy flavors as sherbert. Sen. Ted Kennedy’s office released a statement calling on the president to bring back a pint of Rum Raisin.

Homosexual rights advocacy groups said that, while they were heartened by the president’s willingness to explore his numerous options in fudge flavors the distinct lack of rainbow sprinkles was cause for concern due to the message it sent to the balance of American society about where the president stood on gay rights issues.

In Other News:

Iran

Stuff is happening there or something.

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Pentagon Deploys Assets to Hawaii

Oahu, HI – With Japanese newspapers reporting North Korea is preparing to launch a missile towards Hawaii some time around July 4th, Defense Secretary Robert Gates has decided to leave nothing to chance.

“We’re making moves in coordination with the president’s policy of not exacerbating situations with moves that might be interpreted as hostile or confrontational,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Richard Walcott. Major Walcott did acknowledge that the decision as to the type of assets to be deployed was partly based on recently proposed budget cuts to the funding of interceptor missiles.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

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Former Prosecutor’s Statement on Iraq War Crimes Leaves WH ‘Deeply Troubled’

The worst crime? Cheney was visited the ICC, got a cup of coffee and didn't leave money in the kitty.

The worst crime? Cheney once visited the ICC, got a cup of coffee and didn't leave money in the kitty.

The Hague, Netherlands – In a recent interview with Radio Netherlands Worldwide former chief international war crimes prosecutor and international law expert Richard Goldstone told the studio audience that allegations of war crimes perpetrated by the former Bush administration and its officials, “just doesn’t add up.”

The White House immediately released a statement saying the president was “deeply troubled” and “saddened by this development.” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the president was meeting with a team of his top advisers to discuss the crisis. “I would describe the president as fully engaged in this situation,” Gibbs said while taking questions from reporters. “The president is not about to allow America to suffer such a devastating blow to its sense of shame and self-loathing if he has anything to say about it.”

At the Department of Justice, US Attorney General Eric Holder was not so reserved with his choice of words. “Aw, damn it!”

Rep. John Conyers (D – MI) chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, which had held a mock impeachment trial of former president Bush, was said by friends to be “inconsolable.”

“He hasn’t been this despondent since they cancelled Dawson’s Creek,” said a senior aide standing outside the coat closet.

Professional war protester Cindy Sheehan dismissed the report saying, “I suppose next he’ll try and tell us the Jews had nothing to do with the Iraq war.” Sheehan’s close political confidant, Medea Benjamin was overheard lamenting, “What the hell am I supposed to do with all these t-shirts!”

In Other News:

Obama Swats Fly

"I won."

"I won."

Advcocates of the president’s national defense policies cited the action as a manifest projection of “smart power” and a decisive refutation of critics’ claims that the president doesn’t “get tough.”

The fly was expected to make a full recovery.

 

Michelle Obama Spruces Up Gitmo

Mary, Mary quite contrary...

Mary, Mary quite contrary...

The International Committee for the Red Cross calls it, “Good enough for us.”

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White House Speaks Out on Iranian Elections

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs accepts a $20 bet to see if he can get his fingers to touch in the middle.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs accepts a $20 bet to see if he can get his fingers to touch in the middle.

Washington D.C. – With nationwide protests in Iran entering their 4th day and becoming increasingly more violent the White House moved quickly to dispel criticism that it had not adequately addressed the growing crisis surrounding what many believe were elections stolen by the mullahs of Tehran.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs was adamant, “The president categorically denies any interference in the Iranian election process.”

“Are you saying it is the policy of the United States to allow the Iranian people to settle the issue themselves?” queried ABC’s Jake Tapper. Gibbs appeared taken momentarily aback by the question.

“Yes,” Gibbs responded, his eyes darting from side to side. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

“Do these events relate in any way to the president’s overtures to Ahmadinejad?” Tapper pursued.

“Who told you about that!”

“What?” Tapper was now the one seemingly disoriented. He joined the rest of the assembled press corps as they looked to each other for meaning.

“I’m only going to say this once: ACORN had absolutely nothing to do with the election results in Iran,” Gibbs blurted bringing the entire room to a dead silence. “And even if they did it should in no way be interpreted as reflecting on President Obama simply because of his former–very brief and tangental–involvement with that wholly seperate and independent group to which he only had a fleeting affiliation.”

The stillness was only broken by the sounds of gentle snoring emanating from Helen Thomas.

“How happy was president Obama to see the Penguins take the Stanley Cup,” chimed MSNBC’s Chuck Todd with a much welcomed venting of the tension in the room.

Gibbs livened-up almost immediately. “Naturally the president is delighted by a contest well-played by two worthy competitors and the NHL finals are no exception,” he said but his eyes suddenly narrowed. “However, any involvement by ACORN with the final score should not be interpreted as involving the president.”

ACORN_logo

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