Category Archives: Lifestyles & Entertainment

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You: Tiger Woods in:

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Hundreds Turn-Out to Eulogize Optimist

Detroit, MI – Dwayne T. Clarke was always renowned among his friends and co-workers for his sunny disposition. Today those friends turned out to pay their last respects to the man that had been the president of their local Optimist Club since 1989.

Dwayne’s positive outlook held fast despite a life of hardship and seemingly insurmountable odds.

Mr. Clarke was orphaned at the age of 5 when his parents were killed by a runaway limousine from the state’s Powerball Lottery Award Patrol as it was attempting to deliver the grand prize to his next door neighbors.

Mr. Clarke was required to grow-up in foster homes, being shunted around after 5 burned down, two were swept away by raging flood waters and 1 foster parent was killed by frozen waste that had been jettisoned by a passing airliner.

When he finally struck out on his own Dwayne amassed a small fortune when he won a major lawsuit for the side effects he suffered after taking an experimental medicine needed to save his life after the medical experiments he had volunteered for proved nearly fatal.

During his recovery he was often seen working to bring smiles to the children at the hospital despite suffering from loss of appetite, loss of hair, hives, bleeding around the teeth and gums, extreme flatulence, watery stools, sleeplessness, narcolepsy, spastic colon, hyper-tension, erectile dysfunction as well as erections lasting more than 4 hours.

In 1989 Dwayne was elected president of the Optimist Club, coincidentally the same day his fortune was wiped-out in the stock market crash of that year.

And there Dwayne came to be loved by his community; until that fateful day last month.

While leading a tour of the local zoo for some senior citizens on an outing Dwayne was bitten in the groin by an escaped ptarmigan. While trying to fight off the attacking fowl he strayed into a tree chipper and would have surely died had not a bolt of freak lightning struck the machine, shutting it down.

However, the ensuing fire is where Mr. Clarke suffered the injuries that would ultimately claim his life.

Still, doctors noted had it not been for his sense of hope Mr. Clarke would not have been able to linger for the 3 weeks the way he did until finally passing away last Friday.

It was for this brave soul that hundreds turned out in the rain to admire even though the funeral procession was delayed after the hearse was struck by a septic tanker truck leaving the nearby chili festival.

Dwayne T. Clarke, a soul taken too soon.

Optimist Prime

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Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

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Filed under Government, Healthcare, Law Enforcement, Lifestyles & Entertainment, Politics

Former Beauty Pageant Queen Sues Over Release of Sex Video

What does a girl have to do to get a little disrespect around here?

What does a girl have to do to get a little disrespect around here?

Hemingford, NE – Nebraskan beauty queen Melissa Rogers filed suit today over the release of videos believed to have been taken by her former boyfriend, Raymond St. James, during some of the couple’s more intimate encounters. In the suit it is alleged that Miss Rogers’ modelling career has suffered irrevocable harm causing her to seek more than $1 million in damages plus an unspecified sum for emotional distress.

The initial filing claims that, “despite a contentious break-up instigated by the plaintiff, the defendant did fail to release the videos on the internet or to a tabloid magazine for a considerable fee and by refusing to release the videos the defendant has deprived the plaintiff of scathing media scrutiny during a critical juncture in her career.”

Ms Rogers’, who was hoping to surrender her crown in disgrace when the scandal broke, said she was devastated by the non-disclosure. “All the other girls have their videos dumped on YouTube when they break-up with their boyfriends; why not me? They guys are always bragging to their friends, ‘Yeah, I got some of that’ why isn’t he bragging about nailing me?”

The current Miss Soybean Festival 2008 says she dressed in her best low-cut, T-string lingerie for the grainy, poorly-lit video which she describes as one of her “best performances” but the video never appeared on any of the celebrity gossip websites.

“They always said he was a sweet guy and would never do anything like this,” Rogers’ said in a prepared statement as she tried without success to hold back her tears. “I can’t believe how right they were. All those poses, all the times I debased myself, the outfits; he’s kept them all to himself. I can’t believe I trusted him to do this to me.”

When asked by this reporter if Ms. Rogers was willing to appear on stage making-out with an aging fmale pop-singer to offer allusions of a lesbian tryst a family friend said they hoped that it wouldn’t have to come to that.

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Michael Jackson, Dead at 50

Los Angeles, CA – Entertainer Michael jackson was rushed from his home in Holmer Hills to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Within hours a crowd of grieving fans and plastic surgeons had gathered outside the hospital to pay their final, tearful respects. As news of the singer’s death spread around the world tens of thousands mourners held candlelight vigils where they sang hymnic reprises of Beat It as they dangled infants precariously off of balconies in acts of homage.

Though known for his iconic style and record-shattering album sales Jackson’s life was not without controversy. He was twice brought to court on allegations of pedophilia that could have easily turned into felony charges but when the singer, who had been born a black male, arrived in court looking like an old white woman the charges were reduced to the 8th degree misdemeanor of being a cougar.

At the time the Catholic Church called the episode “instructive” and immediately required all clergy that might come in contact with young boys to take lessons on how to Moon Walk.

Jackson and former football great OJ Simpson would later team-up to form a legal defense fund for disadvantaged young African-American males that would seek to grant them protections for predator District Attorneys by offering grants of celebrity status. The movement later became known as “Rap Music.”

An autopsy is planned for later to determine if Jackson was abusing injections of Courtney Cox-Arquette

An autopsy is planned for later to determine if Jackson was abusing injections of Courtney Cox-Arquette

In Other Entertainment News:

Farah Fawcett, Dead at 62

Millions of American males fondly recall puberty.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean Finishes X-Mas Shopping Early

Announces everyone this year will be receiving copies of the complete Black-Eyed Peas discography.

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Palin Flap Has Celebrities Rallying to Letterman’s Defense

New York, N.Y. – David Letterman apologised, and Gov. Sarah Palin accepted, for the jokes told about baseball player Alex Rodriguez impregnating Palin’s 14-year old daughter Willow; but the controversy has not ended there. Celebrities on both coasts are decrying what they consider to be an assault on free speech.

“If we aren’t free to conceptually sexualize under-aged children, who among us is really free?” lamented Aaron Spelling producer of the hit series Beverly Hills 90210. “I mean, I produced a show where my own daughter’s character got boinked out of wedlock at a barely legal age. If it were up to the Sarah Palins of the world I’d be several million dollars poorer right now. Conservatives like to talk a good game about creating wealth but they don’t understand how money is really made in this country. And don’t call me an irresponsible parent because I made sure the script called for them to use a condom!”

Why waste all that time at a seminary when you can just become a public school teacher.

Why waste all that time at a seminary when you can just become a public school teacher?

Hip-hop star Akon was particularly taken aback by the episode. “I don’t understand none of this. All the man did was make some jokes.” Akon, who had vowed to leave the US if Obama was not elected, added that he hoped he might one day perform at the White House for the First Family. “Yeah, I think that could be some sweetness there. Maybe me and R. Kelly can do a duet or something.”

A statement released by Michael Jackson stated that people often misunderstand these sorts of situations but a couple glasses of Jesus juice often helped to calm the situation.

In other celebrity news:

Daughter of Sonny and Cher Undergoes Sex Reassignment

She was once known as Chastity–and not much about that will change–except now she is a he and he goes by the name Chaz.

“She just wanted somebody to bring her a fucking beer for a change,” said a family friend.

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