Category Archives: Local

BP Continues to Work Feverishly to End Oil Spill

Gulf of Mexico – Forty days since an explosive blowout on the drilling rig, Deepwater Horizon, BP executives announced they would be attempting what is known as a “junk shot” in a desperate bid plug the spewing wellhead.

Technical experts consulted by BNN state that a junk shot entails literally injecting refuse and an odd assortment of items into the space of the failed blowout preventer valve assembly some 5,000 feet below the surface.

Among the items to be pushed in the junk shot: knotted strands of rope, golf balls and an unused manual for maintaining blowout preventers.

Many had hoped that Friday’s effort at a “top kill” would have stemmed the flow of oil now gushing into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico but there is now every indication the procedure held only temporarily. This came on the heels of an earlier failed effort to employ a “bell cap.”

A BP engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he felt confident that the junk shot would produce results as it had been extensively tested on Lindsey Lohan.

In Other News:

Governor Declares Interstate a “20 MPH School Zone”

Average speeds through heart of capitalĀ  more than double.

Smoking Hot Babe Wakes Up Next to Total Loser-Jerk

Alcohol may have been involved.

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