Category Archives: Politics

New Healthcare Law Continues to Surprise

Washington DC – Nearly a  month after the highly controversial healthcare reform bill was signed into law by President Obama, new and surprising details continue to emerge.

Many critics of the reform package had long argued that congress was passing the bill without fully reviewing its contents. After a month of unexpected details, conflicting passages and unintended consequences those who steadfastly plumb the law’s 2,000-page depths continue to reveal ever more startling finds.

Among the finds was $6.37 in loose change that fell from among the pages when a congressional staffer held the printed law over his head and shook it vigorously.

The change was immediately scooped up and placed in a coin kitty by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer who declared the find a cost-savings enhancement but the money appears to have already been spent by the president who was rifling through sofa cushions looking for money for a pack of cigarettes.

Another interesting discovery was a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stickily plastered in the section referring to insurance mandate enforcement. Although it made the section on mandate enforcement all but unreadable, Treasury Secretary Geithner spoke at length to reassure anxious Americans that the IRS and its 15,000 new agents was still fully prepared to meet the law’s enforcement obligations.

Perhaps one of the most contentious finds was a series of erotic short stories by author Gore Vidal, interspersed between pages 1,625 and 1,842 of the law. An aide to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) immediately denied any knowledge of how the stories were included in the bill before this reporter was able to contact his office for comment.

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BREAKING: Obama Goes to Copenhagen

Can’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

In Other National News

Unemployment Creeps Past 9.8%

Economists fault lack of stimulus spending in t-shirt sales as the leading cause of entrenched joblessness.

Despite Lobby by Obama, Chicago Loses Bid to Host Numerous Special Events

Among this weeks disappointments:

  • The US Special Olympics committee withdrew its offer to hold its 2016 games citing the fact that, despite his bowling scores, president Obama had taken all of their best athletes to Washington DC with him.
  • The International Adult Film Industry pulled out at the last moment citing concerns that holding their annual convention in Chicago may tarnish their image.
  • A week-long seminar for used car salesmen, accident compensation attorneys and military recruiters was cancelled because of concerns over Chicago’s on-going ethics issues.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for the Windy City. On Friday a major developer announced plans to build an industrial sized seal fur harvesting farm to be staffed exclusively by lepers and is powered by irradiated dirty coal but only because president Obama had begged, “pretty please with sugar, a cherry and sprinkles on top? I need this!”

Mayor Daley was overheard to say, “We’ll take it.”

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Politics, Sports, Uncategorized

Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

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Filed under Government, Healthcare, Law Enforcement, Lifestyles & Entertainment, Politics

Human Rights Activist Accuses US, Obama of Mass Genocide

Geneva, Switzerland – Dr. Hans Furter has been tracking tales of genocide for over 4 decades. From the Pol Pot’s killing fields of Cambodia to Slobodan Milosevic’s campaign of ethnic cleansing in the former Yugolsav Republic, Dr. Furter says he had thought he had seen it all before but now he says evidence is surfacing that may implicate the United States and President Barack Obama in tale of mass killings that, if proven true, would rival the Stalinist purges.

According to Dr. Furter, evidence for the crime first began to surface in early September when president Obama was addressing a joint session of congress in what was obstensibly an effort to sell healthcare reform.

“In his speech,” Dr. Furter says as he begins to lay out his case, “the American president said 30 million Americans were without health insurance. Before this speech the ‘official’ government figure had been repeatedly touted as 47 million.”

In other words, since Obama began his push for healthcare reform 17 million people have mysteriously disappeared.

In fact, Dr. Furter calls the extermination so complete that it appears as if the suddenly missing 17 million never had any form of documentation to prove they ever existed.

“It is chilling,” says Dr. Furter. “And while one is loathe to leap to consiracy theories it must be admitted by any objective observer would have to admit that the United States is ruled by a bureaucracy that could easily make millions of people disappear in a labyrinth of paperwork and regulatory gymnastics.”

And it isn’t just the bureacracy that rivals Adolf Eichmann’s wildest fantasies, it is scores of government officials known as “czars” who wield the powers of policy setting and budgetary authority, roles constitutionally reserved for the US congress, that gives a chilling capacity to the perceived threat.

Dr. Furter says he does not enter into his accusations lightly. He freely confesses that when Obama was campaigning for president last year that he too had become starstruck by the young, fresh-faced senator from Illinois.

“Alas, it is a sad hallmark of the human condition that those would would rule with an iron fist have no trouble in ‘disappearing’ those who would impede their efforts to seize power by any means necessary. I wish it were not so, but what else could a reasonable person call it?”

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Filed under Conspiracy, Politics, Scandals & Corruption

Alec Baldwin May Follow Al Franken to the Senate

Actor Alec Baldwin recently stated that he is considering running for Joe Lieberman’s senate seat during an interview with Playboy magazine.

It’s unknown at this time if anyone actually read the article.

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Critical Allies Expressing Doubts Over Obama Agenda

Many former supporters say the President is "simply going too far."

Many former supporters say the President is "simply going too far."

New York, NY – Former Secretary of State Colin Powell isn’t the only major political figure to reconsider the wisdom of his endorsement of Barack Obama’s presidential campaign last year.

On Friday the Legion of Doom said it was strongly reconsidering its on-going advocacy of Obama’s domestic agenda.

“It’s not like we aren’t sympathetic to notions of a strong, centralized executive authority,” said Lex Luthor, the group’s founder and leader said in an exclusive interview with BNN.

“We could maybe look past the firings of CEOs and nettlesome members of the Inspectors General office,” Luthor intoned not bothering to hide his frustrations, “but even though we endorse total control of the economy at the end of the day even we want to be able to show a profit. I mean, the man is trying to control what sort of light bulbs you’re allowed to put in your house!” Luthor groused from within his dimly light inner sanctum. “When did you ever see any of us reach for that level of control?”

“And don’t even get me started on the military research and funding budgets cuts! We had plans you know.”

Brainiac, speaking from within his giant floating head-like spaceship added, “I never thought it would come to this. I can’t think of how he plans to pay for all this.”

“This is not the Barack Obama we knew,” said Sinestro.

“Grundy sad,” said another member of the super-villian group on conditions of anonymity because he was not authorized to make public comments.

Indeed recent polls suggest that while personal opinions of Obama remained high support for the president’s agenda continued to soften. Ernst Stavro Blofeld said the Obama had, “over promised and under delivered” on key issues and Aurich Goldfinger said he had felt betrayed by the president’s monetary policies.

However, many allies remain loyal to President Obama. Most notably, the Borg Collective said they were pleased with the president’s performance to date. “We are where we hoped we would be at this point in Obama’s first term,” said spokesdrone Six of Eight.

They should have seen it coming.

They should have seen it coming.

In Other National Political News

Palin Resignation Comes at Critical Time

More interesting than a dead pedophile.

More interesting than a dead pedophile.

Alaska Govenor Sarah Palin’s surprise announcement that she would be resigning her post effective July 26th sent shockwaves through the national press that was in danger of running out of dead celebrities. Had the govenor made her decision any later the media might have been reduced to reporting on Obama’s policy agenda.

Tied in to a string of celebrity controversies, gaffes and deaths, Palin’s resignation brought the newscycle to the beginning of its 6th straight month of not having to report on anything substanitial a record that has not been broken since the OJ Simpson trial on charges of murder.

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White House Speaks Out on Iranian Elections

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs accepts a $20 bet to see if he can get his fingers to touch in the middle.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs accepts a $20 bet to see if he can get his fingers to touch in the middle.

Washington D.C. – With nationwide protests in Iran entering their 4th day and becoming increasingly more violent the White House moved quickly to dispel criticism that it had not adequately addressed the growing crisis surrounding what many believe were elections stolen by the mullahs of Tehran.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs was adamant, “The president categorically denies any interference in the Iranian election process.”

“Are you saying it is the policy of the United States to allow the Iranian people to settle the issue themselves?” queried ABC’s Jake Tapper. Gibbs appeared taken momentarily aback by the question.

“Yes,” Gibbs responded, his eyes darting from side to side. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

“Do these events relate in any way to the president’s overtures to Ahmadinejad?” Tapper pursued.

“Who told you about that!”

“What?” Tapper was now the one seemingly disoriented. He joined the rest of the assembled press corps as they looked to each other for meaning.

“I’m only going to say this once: ACORN had absolutely nothing to do with the election results in Iran,” Gibbs blurted bringing the entire room to a dead silence. “And even if they did it should in no way be interpreted as reflecting on President Obama simply because of his former–very brief and tangental–involvement with that wholly seperate and independent group to which he only had a fleeting affiliation.”

The stillness was only broken by the sounds of gentle snoring emanating from Helen Thomas.

“How happy was president Obama to see the Penguins take the Stanley Cup,” chimed MSNBC’s Chuck Todd with a much welcomed venting of the tension in the room.

Gibbs livened-up almost immediately. “Naturally the president is delighted by a contest well-played by two worthy competitors and the NHL finals are no exception,” he said but his eyes suddenly narrowed. “However, any involvement by ACORN with the final score should not be interpreted as involving the president.”

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