Monthly Archives: July 2009

Alec Baldwin May Follow Al Franken to the Senate

Actor Alec Baldwin recently stated that he is considering running for Joe Lieberman’s senate seat during an interview with Playboy magazine.

It’s unknown at this time if anyone actually read the article.

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Former CIA Operative Regrets Waterboarding Suspected Terrorists

SPECIAL REPORT

He is known among family and friends as Stephen, but after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks he went to work for the CIA as a deep cover operative even going so far as to change his name to “Steve”. He served in the front lines in the Global War on Terrorism in such hotspots as Al Khandahar and Herat. Whenever Special Forces or intelligence agents brought a suspected terrorist to Steve it was his job to break them…FAST.

“We were pretty sure they had follow-on operations in the works,” Steve tells this reporter. “They had a strategic momentum they had to keep-up if they didn’t want to be seen as a one trick pony. Lives were at stake and we were desperate.”

And it was in this climate of fear and desperation that Steve admits “mistakes were made.” Among the many techniques employed by Steve and his fellow CIA operatives–from sleep deprivation to blaring Swedish death metal music and unusually cold rooms–waterboarding has received the widest criticism. Some even go so far as to call it torture.

“Yeah, we did it,” he admits with a trembling in his voice. “but now I look back and I think, how could we have been so blind?”

Steve goes into lengths–as if speaking to a priest from within a confessional–talking about how the controversial interrogation method yielded a vast treasure trove of intelligence about an Al Qaeda operation moving into its execution phase. “There’s no doubt about it; they were going to hit Los Angeles.”

Indeed that is the damning spiritual indictment Steve wrestles with everyday, “We stopped [Al Qaeda] from blowing-up a city that is selling tickets to see a doped-up pedophile buried in a gold coffin. Everyday I have to live with that fact and I’m ashamed of it.

“We risked our lives, our reputations and legal prosecution for this? I don’t know what the president was selling to the American people at the time but that’s not why I joined.”

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Critical Allies Expressing Doubts Over Obama Agenda

Many former supporters say the President is "simply going too far."

Many former supporters say the President is "simply going too far."

New York, NY – Former Secretary of State Colin Powell isn’t the only major political figure to reconsider the wisdom of his endorsement of Barack Obama’s presidential campaign last year.

On Friday the Legion of Doom said it was strongly reconsidering its on-going advocacy of Obama’s domestic agenda.

“It’s not like we aren’t sympathetic to notions of a strong, centralized executive authority,” said Lex Luthor, the group’s founder and leader said in an exclusive interview with BNN.

“We could maybe look past the firings of CEOs and nettlesome members of the Inspectors General office,” Luthor intoned not bothering to hide his frustrations, “but even though we endorse total control of the economy at the end of the day even we want to be able to show a profit. I mean, the man is trying to control what sort of light bulbs you’re allowed to put in your house!” Luthor groused from within his dimly light inner sanctum. “When did you ever see any of us reach for that level of control?”

“And don’t even get me started on the military research and funding budgets cuts! We had plans you know.”

Brainiac, speaking from within his giant floating head-like spaceship added, “I never thought it would come to this. I can’t think of how he plans to pay for all this.”

“This is not the Barack Obama we knew,” said Sinestro.

“Grundy sad,” said another member of the super-villian group on conditions of anonymity because he was not authorized to make public comments.

Indeed recent polls suggest that while personal opinions of Obama remained high support for the president’s agenda continued to soften. Ernst Stavro Blofeld said the Obama had, “over promised and under delivered” on key issues and Aurich Goldfinger said he had felt betrayed by the president’s monetary policies.

However, many allies remain loyal to President Obama. Most notably, the Borg Collective said they were pleased with the president’s performance to date. “We are where we hoped we would be at this point in Obama’s first term,” said spokesdrone Six of Eight.

They should have seen it coming.

They should have seen it coming.

In Other National Political News

Palin Resignation Comes at Critical Time

More interesting than a dead pedophile.

More interesting than a dead pedophile.

Alaska Govenor Sarah Palin’s surprise announcement that she would be resigning her post effective July 26th sent shockwaves through the national press that was in danger of running out of dead celebrities. Had the govenor made her decision any later the media might have been reduced to reporting on Obama’s policy agenda.

Tied in to a string of celebrity controversies, gaffes and deaths, Palin’s resignation brought the newscycle to the beginning of its 6th straight month of not having to report on anything substanitial a record that has not been broken since the OJ Simpson trial on charges of murder.

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Former Beauty Pageant Queen Sues Over Release of Sex Video

What does a girl have to do to get a little disrespect around here?

What does a girl have to do to get a little disrespect around here?

Hemingford, NE – Nebraskan beauty queen Melissa Rogers filed suit today over the release of videos believed to have been taken by her former boyfriend, Raymond St. James, during some of the couple’s more intimate encounters. In the suit it is alleged that Miss Rogers’ modelling career has suffered irrevocable harm causing her to seek more than $1 million in damages plus an unspecified sum for emotional distress.

The initial filing claims that, “despite a contentious break-up instigated by the plaintiff, the defendant did fail to release the videos on the internet or to a tabloid magazine for a considerable fee and by refusing to release the videos the defendant has deprived the plaintiff of scathing media scrutiny during a critical juncture in her career.”

Ms Rogers’, who was hoping to surrender her crown in disgrace when the scandal broke, said she was devastated by the non-disclosure. “All the other girls have their videos dumped on YouTube when they break-up with their boyfriends; why not me? They guys are always bragging to their friends, ‘Yeah, I got some of that’ why isn’t he bragging about nailing me?”

The current Miss Soybean Festival 2008 says she dressed in her best low-cut, T-string lingerie for the grainy, poorly-lit video which she describes as one of her “best performances” but the video never appeared on any of the celebrity gossip websites.

“They always said he was a sweet guy and would never do anything like this,” Rogers’ said in a prepared statement as she tried without success to hold back her tears. “I can’t believe how right they were. All those poses, all the times I debased myself, the outfits; he’s kept them all to himself. I can’t believe I trusted him to do this to me.”

When asked by this reporter if Ms. Rogers was willing to appear on stage making-out with an aging fmale pop-singer to offer allusions of a lesbian tryst a family friend said they hoped that it wouldn’t have to come to that.

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