Category Archives: Healthcare

New Healthcare Law Continues to Surprise

Washington DC – Nearly a  month after the highly controversial healthcare reform bill was signed into law by President Obama, new and surprising details continue to emerge.

Many critics of the reform package had long argued that congress was passing the bill without fully reviewing its contents. After a month of unexpected details, conflicting passages and unintended consequences those who steadfastly plumb the law’s 2,000-page depths continue to reveal ever more startling finds.

Among the finds was $6.37 in loose change that fell from among the pages when a congressional staffer held the printed law over his head and shook it vigorously.

The change was immediately scooped up and placed in a coin kitty by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer who declared the find a cost-savings enhancement but the money appears to have already been spent by the president who was rifling through sofa cushions looking for money for a pack of cigarettes.

Another interesting discovery was a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stickily plastered in the section referring to insurance mandate enforcement. Although it made the section on mandate enforcement all but unreadable, Treasury Secretary Geithner spoke at length to reassure anxious Americans that the IRS and its 15,000 new agents was still fully prepared to meet the law’s enforcement obligations.

Perhaps one of the most contentious finds was a series of erotic short stories by author Gore Vidal, interspersed between pages 1,625 and 1,842 of the law. An aide to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) immediately denied any knowledge of how the stories were included in the bill before this reporter was able to contact his office for comment.

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Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

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Filed under Government, Healthcare, Law Enforcement, Lifestyles & Entertainment, Politics

Domestic Agenda Collides with Economic Reality

Washington D.C. – August has not been the kindest of months for president Obama. With the recession putting the brakes on federal revenue streams and major agenda items feeling the pressure from an electorate increasingly nervous over deficits the fledgling administration is scrambling to ease the concerns that its domestic policies will bankrupt the nation are mere opposition rhetoric and not a genuine threat.

Nowhere is this pressure more pronounced than the president’s ambitions for a federally-based healthcare system. On the campaign trail then-candidate Obama pledged that the program would be “revenue neutral” with any additional cost offset by savings. Yet, with budget deficit projections recently revised from $7 trillion to $9 trillion over the next 10 years even with the president’s presumed savings measures in place many Americans—and members congress from within the president’s own party—are in a quasi-state of political rebellion.

The encroaching debt burden also threatens another Obama campaign promise: that only those Americans making over $250,000 would see their taxes rise.

“Even if you took every last dime they [the rich] owned you could only cover about 40% of the proposed new cost outlays,” explained noted economist Harold Fredericks.

The fact has not been lost on the president’s economic policy team.

“We know what we’re up against,” said Rosemary Hicks, said the chief of Obama’s Revenue Appropriations, Projections and Enhancement Department (RAPED) as she took a moment from finishing her bachelor’s degree in Siberian dung beetle insemination. “We admit we had ideas on how to pay for these programs before we assumed the reigns but when we inherited this economy from the previous administration we discovered that certain realities had been—shall we say—concealed from us.”

Ms. Hicks describes the problem in the frankest terms. “We took a number of very rich Americans and no matter how many we cut open there weren’t any golden eggs to be found,” she told us between text messages with that totally cute guy she met at the “Free Tibet” rally and would so go out with him even though he’s a total jock. “We must have repeated the process at least a thousand times but we never found a single egg.”

Other avenues have proven equally fruitless such as wishing everything the president touches would turn to gold. “Some people said it could have bad repercussions with the president’s family so the idea never made its way out of committee.”

The revelation has left Ms. Hicks and her colleagues searching for other ways to fund the president’s agenda. “I don’t think we’re totally without options though. I heard about this little short dude that can spin straw into gold.”

If the reports prove true Ms. Hicks says a new czar could be in the offing.

“What have we got to lose?”

Geithner's last, best hope.

Geithner's last, best hope.

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Government, Healthcare

Healthcare Debate Renews Calls for Health Management

Pittsburgh, PA – In a semi-private hospital room in this working-class town Edward Cherthoff lies in bed surrounded by his family, friends and his pastor. A steel worker most of his life Edward is used to being the strong one for his family but these days, connected to a myriad of machines that do for him what his own body is no longer capable of doing. His breathing is labored as he tries to speak, even when not trying to choke back the tears, as he recounts the trials that have taken their toll on him.

Doctors say the prognosis is not promising. The years have taken their toll and his once vigorous body is shattered. Edward’s wife Helena squeezes his hand as the doctors explain the balance of Edward’s life will be measured in months, not years. The depth of this tragedy is underscored by the fact that it is as preventable as it is severe because Edward is a badger fucker. 

“I started fucking badgers when I was 12,” he explains between gasping breaths. “My father fucked badgers when he was a kid as did his father. I grew-up where badger fucking was a sign of manhood. I mean, you saw them fucking badgers all the time in the movies, right? You see them beautiful actresses up on the screen walking around with a badger between their lips; it was dripping with sex appeal.”

Edward recalls fucking badgers with his friends in the local high school bathroom because, “it was the thing to do.” But it came with a terrible price.

“Before I knew it I was fucking 4 badgers a day.”

As the years wore on Edward began to realize it was not healthy for him as each morning he would wake-up with deep fang marks and rent flesh.

Edward says he knew badger fucking was unhealthy but it only adds fuel to the debate about who bears ultimate responsibility. Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett says the badger manufacturers bear a large portion of the blame; so much so that the AG will be filing a class action lawsuit this coming spring with Edward Chertoff’s testimony playing a pivotal role.

“They know they’re producing a dangerous product,” says AG spokesperson Betsy Hamilton. “In fact we intend to prove that the badger producers of America actually increased the harmfulness of their product by engineering the badgers to have longer talons and more bristly fur.”

Tom McIntyre, spokesman for Badger Manufacturer’s Association of America is quick to respond to such allegations. “Nonsense,” he says with barely restrained indignation. “We are selling a perfectly legal product in full compliance with all federal regulations.” 

But critics are unconvinced, claiming that one little Surgeon General’s warning label on the badger’s left inner thigh hardly constitutes due diligence. The AG’s office would like to see levies imposed on the sale of badgers and badger related products with the proceeds used to educate the public on the dangers of badger fucking. 

Nor are “badger-lites” considered a safe alternative. “Even if you file down the teeth it’s still a fucking badger,” explains Ms. Hamilton.

Unsafe at any breed?

Unsafe at any breed?

She is also deeply concerned about the growing use of oral badger products amongst school-aged children describing it in epidemic terms. She’s particularly worried that reports are starting to surface of children as young as 8 or 9 years old fondling shrews. 

“We need to see stricter laws in place,” Ms Hamilton declares. “Particularly on advertising we believe is aimed at children and young adults.” She says it’s ridiculous to discuss healthcare reform while “we market vicious mammals to our children.”

Mr. McIntyre calls it a recipe for disaster.

“Remember what happened during Piranhibition?” referring to the period during the early 20th century when congress had made it illegal for people to stuff piranhas into their pants. “All it accomplished was making a lot of gangsters very rich while turning otherwise good Americans into criminals. The fact is: if people want to fuck badgers they’re going to do it.”

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