Category Archives: Law Enforcement

Allegation of Ethnic Profiling Raises Concerns

Arlington, VA – Early last week national security officials here met with community leaders who have long voiced on-going concerns that the America’s national security apparatus is suffering from what some have benignly described as “tunnel vision” when confronting challenges to the safety of Americans.

“The world cannot help but see our efforts as single-minded and biased,” said Jasmine Moonbeam, the director of People United for Serenity and Security during open testimony.

As evidence of her assertion she waved a list of the United State’s most recent prominent figures in matters of law enforcement and overseas contingency operations against man-caused disasters. The list bore names such as Anwar al-Awlaki, Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab, Abu Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shazad.

“Why are only a certain type of people being targeted by our government?” she asked an obviously unsettled panel convened at the president’s behest.

Not wishing to appear unresponsive to such concerns the Pentagon announced that they would end all policies that might be interpreted as ethnic profiling and would instead institute a strategy of randomly attacking nations.

The new policy has met with mixed reactions by the troops on the ground. Some worried the US would soon be spread too thin but others saw a different side to the strategy.

The Pentagon Situation Room moments before a massive bombing campaign was unleashed on Micronesia.

“Since they started this I’ve shot two Slovenians, a Samoan  and a some guy from a place called Comoros,” said Private First Class Justin Graffman from Spokane, WA.

“I never even knew there was a place called Comoros; so I’ve really learned a lot about geography and stuff.”

Gen. Bradley McAllister, the brain behind the strategy said the haphazard devastation would continue for the foreseeable future.

“Many nations of the world have long criticized our response to the events of 9/11,” he said. “I think it’s important for us to show them that we hear them and we’re willing to take affirmative steps.

“If they feel like we’re just picking on a certain kind of person for no particular reason then by God I’m willing to show them that America can be just as diverse as they want us to be.”

Asked if the new strategy had borne any results the general noted that many within the international community were far more engaged with US efforts than had been previously.

“They look downright anxious to prove their good intentions towards us,” the general explained, smiling.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Foreign Affairs, Law Enforcement, National Defense

‘Safe Schools’ Czar Issues Apology

Washington DC – President Obama’s appointed official on keeping school children safe now says he regrets not having done more two decades ago when a 15-year old student confided in him that he was having sex with adult males at a bus depot.

Kevin Jennings, a high school teacher at the time, told the student to make sure condoms were being used before sending the student back on his way.

Asked if this was the sort of representation the White House wanted for its education initiatives one White House staffer admitted, “You work with the material left to you. When we hired Mr. Jennings, Mackenzie Phillip’s dad was dead and Roman Polanski was out of country at the time.”

In Other Educational News

Videos of Children Singing Obama’s Praises Cause Deep Concern

The recent spate of videos of elementary-aged school children singing praises to President Obama has Education Secretary Arne Duncan deeply concerned.

“They’re sounding a little off-key and they obviously need work on their arpagios but we’re working on it,” he said answering questions on his way to a meeting with the director of the Vienna Boys Chior.

In Wake of Deadly Beating Chicago Schools Crackdown

Students will now be searched for 10-foot wooden planks prior to entering classes.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

1 Comment

Filed under Education, Government, Law Enforcement

Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

2 Comments

Filed under Government, Healthcare, Law Enforcement, Lifestyles & Entertainment, Politics

Latest Drug Craze Threatens Urban Youth

Raleigh, NC – In a ordinary working class neighborhood here in the North Carolina capital local police officer Michael Jenson patrols on foot. It is, he says, the best way to establish a rapport with the children and teens that live along his beat. That rapport is needed to “get ahead” of the kids as they approach the deadly pitfalls awaiting them.

Experts warn Placebos may exacerbate the effects of youth.

Experts warn Placebos may exacerbate the effects of youth.

“I have to be able to warn them,” says Ofc. Jenson. “I have to let them know. It’s like they’re my own kids.” These days the biggest danger Ofc. Jenson fears is the growing use of Placebos.

In a near-ritualistic fashion many kids from inner city environs gather for what is known as a “sugarbuzz.”

“They’re popping them like they were candy,” warns Ofc. Jenson. “I’ve heard of kids taking handfuls of the things all at once. Then they just wander around with that glazed look on their faces. It breaks your heart.”

Once used exclusively by pharmaceutical companies in clinical trials, Placebos have become a recreational drug for kids seeking escape from boredom and angst that often accompanies adolescence.

Researchers still aren’t sure exactly what the effects, both near and long term, might have in store for those abusing Placebos.

“We’ve seen Placebos mimic the effects of a wide range of prescription medications,” noted Dr. Seymour Gantry of the Food and Drug Administration. “Much of the research on these Placebos is still out.”

And it’s not just the prescription-grade Placebos. Reports are coming out of “bathtub” Placebos whose effectiveness is several times more potent than those produced by heavily regualted and monitored pharmaceutical companies thus leading to a very real possibility of an overdose or other mishap.

“I blame our glamour-obsessed culture,” scolds Bertha Windmeyer, an inner-city youth counselor. “Turn on your TV at any given hour and you’ll see celebrities popping sweet, sugary treats with no depiction of the adverse effects.”

Once a sweets abuser herself, Ms. Windmeyer struggles daily with the 50 some-odd pounds left to her from a life of reckless abandon. Now forced to walk with a waddle Ms. Windmeyer sounds a clear indictment, “It’s embedded in our culture where candy is passed off as a ‘holiday-enhancer.’ ”

Ms. Windmeyer says the battle against Placebos begins at home with the parents, “How can we expect our children to grow-up and make the right decisions if they see their parents exchanging heart-shaped boxes and candy canes and setting out bowls of candy for Halloween visitors?”

But that doesn’t mean Ofc. Jenson and his department are leaving others to do all the heavy-lifting.

“Just last week we busted a tractor-trailer loaded with sacks of pure cane sugar. We do our best to go after the suppliers but what do you do when there are entire plantations dedicated to growing this stuff scattered all throughout Central and South America? It’s not just the white stuff either. We got bags of ‘downtown brown’ showing up all the time. And the powdered stuff is the worst.”

But it is a battle they fight against a mighty headwind. Local courts have been beseiged by lawsuits stemming from charges of overcrowding in the city’s jail. Last month a judge ordered the early release of two confectioners and a pastry chef after the trio had completed little over one-quarter of their sentences.

“It makes me sick,” says Ofc. Jenson. “It was hard enough getting the candy and soda machines out of the public schools without having to see these sorts of scum turned back out onto the streets.”

1 Comment

Filed under Law Enforcement

ACORN Scandal Continues to Grow

Washington DC – Two young, would-be investigative journalists have been heating-up the internet with a series of videos they have surreptitiously recorded at ACORN offices across the country. With each new day comes a new video that add to the discomfort and embarrassment to entrenched political interests that have long utilized ACORN’s social outreach and voter registration services.

In these videos the young couple pose as a young prostitute and her “manager” and make inquiries with the targetted offices as to how best evade paying taxes from their illicit business, purchase homes from which to run their brothel and even import under-aged girls from foreign countries to service clients. All the while members of the ACORN staff are willfully and cheefully seen giving every manner of assistance to disguise what are inarguably some of the most troubling sorts of crime.

The videos would be disturbing enough except that it has been revealed another sort of scandal may be emerging. Grainy photographs recently obtained by BNN purport to show an unnamed client working with ACORN staffers for the purpose of bring a number of whores into the house he just acquired in Washington DC wherin they intended to service some of the most unsavory clientele.

This new scandal also involves the pimp being involved in the acquisition of homes using unreported funding sources, tax evasion and undocumented workers.

Pimpin'

Pimpin'

It is not known how extensive the new prostitution ring has since become but some observers say it may rival the the 535 member whorehouse just down the road from its location at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

In Other National Political News

Honky Says Opposition to Obama Motivated by Racism

Cracka

Cracka

Some white trash hick gave up doding tornados in the trailer park long enough to open-up his lily skinned pie hole to claim opposition to Obama’s policies is motivated by racism.  

Cow Flatulence No Longer Seen as Prominent Global Warming Threat

While cow methane is seen as a significant contributor to green house gasses a recent study reveals that polar bears are much closer to the North Pole than cows and as such they present a more immeidate threat than cow farts that must travel thousands of miles. Some experts have called for an immediate polar bear eradication program to be implemented.

poot!

poot!

In a similar note experts agree human contributions to methane output have equally dire consequences for the envirnment and as such demand all foods that contribute to green house gassing be outlawed. The Mexican Restaurant Owners Association and National Oktoberfest Committee announced plans to protest the study as being unduly critical of their concerns.

1 Comment

Filed under Environment, Government, Law Enforcement, Scandals & Corruption

As Crime Escalates Out-of-Control Sheriff Takes Drastic Action

Moraga, CA – It was once a sleepy town outside of Oakland but the quiet has been shattered by a spiraling crime rate. A confluence of socio-economic trends aggravated by the lingering recession have shattered the once quiet calm as citizens either became victims or criminals. But these same economic realities conspired to cut deep gouges in the town’s ability to employ law enforcement officers or incarcerate offenders. Property crimes have skyrocketed over 120% and violent crimes have risen by 55%. The drug trade is now the commercial lifeblood of the municipality.

“Basically, I’ve got 2 criminals in town for every law-abiding citizen,” said Sheriff Joe Stafford. “I can’t lock up all the criminals, and this is California so it’s not like the people could shoot the criminals themselves; so I did what I could to protect the good people of this town.” And with that Sheriff Stafford locked-up the remaining innocent people Moraga. Now some 25,00 residents are locked-up behind thirty-foot walls topped by razor wire and heavily-armed guards manning towers every 50 meters.

“It makes sense,” said Sheriff Stafford defending his decision. “They’re well-defended, they get 3 meals a day and plenty of yard time. In fact a lot of former couch potatoes have started lifting weights. It’s really helped with overall health and fitness levels.” However, recent budget cuts meant the citizens’ access to cable TV has been cut.

It hasn’t all been smooth sailing. Earlier this month a gang of teenagers were caught vandalizing the cells of older residents and had to be released back into town. “They were just bored kids,” said department spokesperson Patricia Estrada. “We hated to set them free but what could we do?”

James Sutters, (left) volunteers in the prison's kitchens and hopes to have his incarceration extended by 33% for good behavior. Henry McEnroy, (right) is in an electrician's apprenticship program. "I'm just glad to be working again," he said.

James Sutters, (left) volunteers in the prison's kitchens and hopes to have his incarceration extended by 33% for good behavior. Henry McEnroy, (right) is in an electrician's apprenticeship program. "I'm just glad to be working," he said.

The measure was not without controversy as the ACLU was quick to condemn the policy. Ellen Cisneros, leader of the Sacramento based regional office of the civil rights law firm blasted the program. “Thousands of criminals have been left without any means of support. They have no one to cook their meals, provide healthcare or other basic services and by locking up all potential vicitims in the prison Sheriff Stafford has taken away their only source of income. They have been forced to become completely self-reliant. This is not what America is supposed to be about.”

She said the ACLU planned to file a lawsuit against Sheriff Stafford and the town of Moraga demanding that they re-imprison the town’s criminal population complete with back-dated sentences and reduced parole releases.

Leave a comment

Filed under Law Enforcement

In Wake of Most Recent Public Shooting Congress Moves to Strengthen Laws

Police begin cordoning-off quiet loners.

Police begin cordoning-off quiet loners.

Washington D.C. – In the aftermath of the most recent mass shooting many in congress have returned to the age-old head-scratching exercise of asking, “What could we have done differently to prevent this from happening?”

With the breadth and scope of gun control laws all but exhausted, and as some would argue, unduly restricted by the Constitution, lawmakers have started to look to alternate avenues to ensure the public’s safety.

When asked, what was the single greatest commonality among the perpetrators of these heinous acts, policy experts cited one trait that repeatedly emerged: quiet loners. “It is increasing becoming apparent that our number one safety concern for law enforcement has become the soft-spoken recluse,” said Dr. Emmanuel Norton, professor of Forensic Psychology at UC Berkley.

“So many times before we’ve heard about these unassuming sorts that no one ever suspected of doing something so heinous,” railed attorney general Eric Holder, “Well, we say to these would-be silent hermits, ‘Never again!’ To the introverts of the world we say your time is done. No more quiet lunches alone in your cubicles. No more unassuming, loose-fitting earth tones. Your subscription to NetFlix has been cancelled!”

Public outcry for the tougher laws has grown. One local advocate of the proposed legislation weighed in, “It’s like that guy living at the end of the street who is only seen leaving for work or watering his lawn on the weekends. For all we know he is really some sort psychopathic serial killer or mass-murderer. I know I don’t want to take that kind of chance with my family. He’s not married, he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I used to think he was just gay but since last week’s shooting I’ve come to realize it’s probably worse than that. We need to take him out first.”

A top congressional aide noted, “We’ve confronted these kinds of people since grade school. They thought they could get out of playing dodge-ball with us bigger kids and just sit by themselves playing with bugs but we learned early on to deal with their threats and take their lunch money that they might use to finance their deranged schemes.”

Some fear proposed legislation may not be going far enough. It isn’t enough to be wary of the quiet loner, they say, the government must also be on the look out for the irascible, curmudgeonly and generally snippy.

The proposed laws were not without controversy however. Unfortunately the chief civil rights activist group for quiet loners would only draw the curtains and pretend they weren’t home when asked to comment.

Leave a comment

Filed under Law Enforcement