Category Archives: Sports

BREAKING: Obama Goes to Copenhagen

Can’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

In Other National News

Unemployment Creeps Past 9.8%

Economists fault lack of stimulus spending in t-shirt sales as the leading cause of entrenched joblessness.

Despite Lobby by Obama, Chicago Loses Bid to Host Numerous Special Events

Among this weeks disappointments:

  • The US Special Olympics committee withdrew its offer to hold its 2016 games citing the fact that, despite his bowling scores, president Obama had taken all of their best athletes to Washington DC with him.
  • The International Adult Film Industry pulled out at the last moment citing concerns that holding their annual convention in Chicago may tarnish their image.
  • A week-long seminar for used car salesmen, accident compensation attorneys and military recruiters was cancelled because of concerns over Chicago’s on-going ethics issues.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for the Windy City. On Friday a major developer announced plans to build an industrial sized seal fur harvesting farm to be staffed exclusively by lepers and is powered by irradiated dirty coal but only because president Obama had begged, “pretty please with sugar, a cherry and sprinkles on top? I need this!”

Mayor Daley was overheard to say, “We’ll take it.”

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Activists Protest Olympian’s Diet

Gold medalist Michael Phelps pursues a rack of beef spare ribs that fell into the pool where he trains.

Gold medalist Michael Phelps pursues a rack of beef spare ribs that fell into the pool where he trains.

Beijing, China  – Today the liberal watchdog group Democrat Underground (DU)  issued a statement condemning 6-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps, denouncing him for his 12,000 calorie a day diet.

Noting that Americans comprised just 5% of the world’s population yet cosumed over 25% of its resources, burned 80% of its fossil fuels and produced over 75% of its carbon output DU lashed out at what it calls “calorie capitalism.”

“This sort of disproportianate caloric intake strikes to the very heart of what is wrong with American society. We could feed 8 starving villagers in third world countries with the amount of calories Mr. Phelps consumes on any given day. He essentially killing 8 people a day just to win shiny medals.”

A trainer for Mr. Phelps who asked not to be identified responded, “Are they retarded? He’s a world record setting athlete!”

DU was quick to respond that sports should not be a matter of who is the fastest or the strongest but who best sets the example of a global citizen striving for the best performance of humanity as a whole.

“Fucking morons,” the trainer responded before storming out of the Starbuck’s where the press conference was being held.

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