Monthly Archives: February 2009

Obama Cuts Costs; Dismisses Secret Service Detail

Laid-off. Will take bullet for food.

Laid-off. Will take bullet for food.

Washington D.C. – In a stunning move to reduce government spending president Barak Obama announced today that he would be dismissing the Secret Service’s presidential detail soon after being sworn in.

“We’re really looking at places we can slash the budget to make room for our policy agenda,” said chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. “And let’s face it; the Secret Service detail guarding the president is one hefty piece of financial expenditure.”

With rings of agents and officers with an internal, secure communications system, helicopters, up-armored automobiles and limosines the annual savings to taxpayers could reach into the tens of millions. Even the bullet-proof vest normally worn by the president will be dispensed with.

“They’re tailor made to not show under his clothing. One of those puppies can set you back almost ten-grand,” an agent normally assigned to the president divulged on condition of anonymity.

When issues of presidential safety were raised they were immediately dismissed.

“Barack is a young man and he is in phenomenal health. He’s not going to die anytime soon,” said Emmanuel. “Our ace in the whole is Joe Biden.

“I mean, my God, look at him standing over there in the corner just picking his nose and rolling it into little balls between his fingers. Anybody that would want to kill Barack would have to confront the realization that Joe Biden would take his place.

“Do you really think he was chosen for his policy acumen? Hell no! He’s a life insurance policy whose biggest annual premium is a handful of tokens down at Chuck E Cheese’s.”

A senior security analyst noted, “It makes sense. Even the most methed-out skinheads seem to realize that a Barack presidency would do less harm than Biden with an inkpen in his hand. Add to the fact that Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is in the number 3 slot and it’s safe to say nobody will be taking a shot at the president anytime soon.”

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New Report Sheds Light on 9/11 Attack

The face of evil: could Bush be carrying this dog to a BBQ pit? Researchers say it hasn't been disproven.

The face of evil: could Bush be carrying this dog to a BBQ pit? Researchers say it hasn't been disproven.

Washington D.C. – Attorney General Eric Holder, just sworn in yesterday, released a new report today that seeks to dispel many of the rumors swirling around the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Reporters for BNN have obtained copies of a memo that the Department of Justice claims sheds new light on the worst attack on America since Roseanne Barr sang the national anthem in San Diego in 1990.

If verified the memo casts a damning tinge on the Bush administration and its role in the attacks that were once alleged to have been the work of islamist extremists. In the memo a conspirator, whose true identity is as yet unknown but identified only as “Carl”, lays out detailed instructions as to how the attack is to be orchestrated. Furthermore, these instruction appear to be distributed to operatives within a larger, shadowy cabal, the extent of whose reach we can only imagine.

It is chilling to think of the depths one’s own government could descend to exert control over the very people it was chartered to protect. If true, the world as we know it shall forever be altered.

In the interests of scholarship the memo is being released unedited and in its entirety so that the American public may draw its own conclusion as to who is truly responsible for the heinous crimes of that infamous day.

FAKING WAR for Fun & Profit
TO: Agent No.1

FROM: Carl

RE: Faking Global War for Fun and Profit

All hail Be’el ze Bub and maha-bone.

We are about to embark on our greatest scheme ever for the conquest of the world. It is extremely important that you pay close attention to every detail as failure is not an option and even a single mistake will foil the entire scheme. The crux of your assignment revolves around procuring vast amounts of oil wealth to subsidize the economy that in turn enriches the capitalist military-industrial complex to be used to further our aim of global conquest.

The first thing you need to do is to seize control of the presidency. We need a real goober of a warmonger in the White House that will push troops across the globe without hesitation based on the flimsiest of excuses. Although we tried co-opting the enemy the most we could get out of them was Bosnia, Kosovo, Somalia, Haiti and an on-going series of air-strikes; small potatoes for a cabal such as ours.

Your candidate must be easy to manipulate when the time comes and as such he should be so stupid John Kerry and Howard Dean look like a viable contenders. Nanny-state Democrats tend to shy away from schemes of government control so you will have to rest your efforts of deception, brutality, and greed with the religious conservatives. Even then odds are you will need to steal the election and this is best accomplished by suppressing minority voter turn-out. It should be noted that infiltrating democrat controlled polling precincts and parking a police at least 2-miles from the nearest polling station on a road that doesn’t pass anywhere near that station should be sufficient to intimidate most inner-city blacks into staying home.

It will also help if you have an entire cable news network dedicated to your efforts. As you will need to be the #1 rated network in the business in order for this effort to bear any fruit make sure you plan ahead and allot yourself 5 years and at least $750 million dollars in start-up revenue. Once your network is on the air CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, Reuters, Associated Press and all the others uncritically fall into place by declaring your man the winner. Of course the challenger may challenge this pronouncement and sue you in court so make sure when he takes you to state court you have spent the last 20 years using the democrat control of the Senate and White House to confirm and nominate justices so that the US Supreme Court is sufficiently packed with willing dupes to hand you an election stolen from their own candidate.

With those niggling details laid to rest you can begin by lulling the populace into a false sense of security. Have your usurper spend the first 8 months of his term talking about nothing except tax cuts, Social Security reform and education. All the while you will be hard at work planting the seeds of destruction needed to trigger the forthcoming global apocalypse. You need to make a big splash and apparently the cattle—uh, citizenry—won’t be motivated by attacks on embassies, troop barracks or warships so you’ll have to target a class near and dear to the American psyche: salesmen and bureaucrats.

Secrecy is of the utmost concern and if you tip your hand before the plan is ready the entire scheme is blown so choose a location away from prying eyes; like the center of a major metropolitan city.

Needless to say the building will be open for business 24-hours a day, 7-days a week even on major holidays and will be filled with businessmen, janitors, engineers and whatnot so get cracking. Make sure you have established the means transport the tons of needed explosives through the bustling city and into the building.

No, don’t ask me how; I’m the overlord, you’re the minion, you figure it out.

Ordinarily these sorts of controlled demolitions can take a year or more to prepare. The interior must be gutted, walls torn out, wiring removed, plumbing dismantled and facades stripped away so that interior supports can be reached, the explosives emplaced and the initiator wiring meticulously sown to coincide with the precision timing required.

Your ass better be ready by month 8 of the puppet regime taking office!

However, I do understand that matters like this can be labor intensive. You will need construction workers, demolition experts, transport operators, money-men, materiel acquisition experts, waste disposal, security and counter-security agents numbering in the dozens if not hundreds. Moreover, these bloodthirsty killers who will attack their own countrymen must be assured in their loyalties so that no one speaks even years after the fact and the assumed intense investigation. To aid in your efforts you will need a horde of pitiless, mind-numbed automatons. Please find attached a list of all GOP donors that have given more than $20 during the last electoral season.

Returning to the subject of explosives please keep in mind that the average state crime bureau can trace explosive residue not only to the type but also manufacturer and in some cases batch and lot; as such military stockpiles are out of the question. We cannot allow this potential threat of disclosure to reveal our hand so you must be absolutely certain the source of our explosives is secure, sympathetic to our aims and untraceable. I suggest you try the local Wal-Mart in the hardware section between assorted fasteners and ozone-depleting chemicals.

Now that you have the building rigged for explosives —or if need be: multiplying your efforts by targeting additional buildings—you need a plausible excuse to pull the building(s) down. Try a hijacking.

While you’re making all your other arrangements see if you can find a couple dozen oppressed Muslim youths in their early 30’s. They generally congregate in mosques and low-end strip clubs. Get them some fast flying lessons, a few box-cutters then just sit back and enjoy the show as they blend seamlessly into the overall plot. Just make sure they hit the building at precisely the point necessary to disguise the blast of your explosives but not in a way that will interfere with initiator mechanisms.

Just to keep folks guessing I suggest you lob a cruise missile stolen from military stockpiles into our favorite building. I know what I just told you about using traceable military stockpiles, but Betty down at the GOA inspector general’s office owes me a favor so I got this one covered. I’m actually arranging to have Rummy in the building at the time and he doesn’t know. It’s a belated birthday prank so please don’t tell him. Of course that means you have to add an extra plane to the plot. It will be full of screaming passengers who are calling their relatives on the ground and you have to make it disappear from view of presumably hyper-agitated air controllers while still preserving the cover story; but hey, that’s why you’re Agent No.1.

With the sheep sufficiently rattled in their cages they will gladly march off to war at our behest. Now all we need is a target country slopping over with buckets of oil to line our pockets with oily lucre.

But first we’ll attack Afghanistan: the rat’s anus of the Muslim world, just to keep people off-balance. I know what you’re thinking, they beat the British and Soviets, they are the graveyard of empires, what can we possibly gain from attacking these flea-feeders? To be honest, Osama bin Laden borrowed my copy of The Joy of Sex with 72, and hasn’t returned it yet and I’m not stopping until I get it back!

So with that war with the empire-killers neatly wrapped up in no time at all we’ll move on to the real target: Iraq. Ah, Saddam, the perfect dupe. His would be an Arab oasis of egalitarianism and women’s suffrage if not for our meddling. It isn’t easy to portray of man of sympathy as a ruthless dictator that is feared by every neighbor and western intelligence service, but we did it. I hope you appreciate the ground work we’ve laid for you over the years.

Voila! You have your war for oil!

See how easy that was?

Now once our efforts in the target country are complete we can finish clearing out those pesky Palestinians for our Zionist masters via Operation: Gaza Strip-Mall, because as we all know: Jews like to shop. This will be our greatest retailing scheme since we stuffed some vagabond’s baby into a cattle trough 2,000 years ago.

And for Satan’s sake don’t fuck this up! The last thing I want is for this high-precision, razor’s edge military operation with zero margin timing to be uncovered by bunch hemorrhoidal, zit-faced internet virgins.

BULLETIN REMINDER: This year’s Springtacular is themed, “A Celebration of Austerity.” Seating is limited and I don’t want a bunch of ice cream going bad like last year so please RSVP. We’ll be having a naked Iraqi pyramid competition and Jeff “The Cannon” Gannon will be making balloon animals for the children.

==========

TO: Carl

FROM: Agent No.1

RE: re: Faking Global War for Fun and Profit

Sir,

With all due respect why would we go through all the time, effort expense and risk for a profit scheme paying back barely one-tenth of 1-percent of our initial outlay using barely competent indigenous technicians and administrators in a hostile land? As it stands the US has immeasurable all-but-cost-free oil reserves mere miles off its coastlines with the Pacific Ocean and Gulf of Mexico. Not to mention untapped reserves in Alaska that can be had by means of a simple executive order that—while admittedly a potential source of political controversy—wouldn’t even come close to the political capital that would be expended starting and sustaining a war on the other side of the planet. Even if we do want Iraq, Rummy and Saddam are supposed to be best friends; shouldn’t we just underbid the French and have Saddam actually PAY US for taking the oil?

==========

TO: All personnel

FROM: Carl

MEMORANDUM FOR RECORD

That last thing we need around here is a smart-ass. Agent No.1 has been liquidated and replaced by Agent No.1 v2.0

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