Category Archives: National Defense

Allegation of Ethnic Profiling Raises Concerns

Arlington, VA – Early last week national security officials here met with community leaders who have long voiced on-going concerns that the America’s national security apparatus is suffering from what some have benignly described as “tunnel vision” when confronting challenges to the safety of Americans.

“The world cannot help but see our efforts as single-minded and biased,” said Jasmine Moonbeam, the director of People United for Serenity and Security during open testimony.

As evidence of her assertion she waved a list of the United State’s most recent prominent figures in matters of law enforcement and overseas contingency operations against man-caused disasters. The list bore names such as Anwar al-Awlaki, Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab, Abu Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shazad.

“Why are only a certain type of people being targeted by our government?” she asked an obviously unsettled panel convened at the president’s behest.

Not wishing to appear unresponsive to such concerns the Pentagon announced that they would end all policies that might be interpreted as ethnic profiling and would instead institute a strategy of randomly attacking nations.

The new policy has met with mixed reactions by the troops on the ground. Some worried the US would soon be spread too thin but others saw a different side to the strategy.

The Pentagon Situation Room moments before a massive bombing campaign was unleashed on Micronesia.

“Since they started this I’ve shot two Slovenians, a Samoan  and a some guy from a place called Comoros,” said Private First Class Justin Graffman from Spokane, WA.

“I never even knew there was a place called Comoros; so I’ve really learned a lot about geography and stuff.”

Gen. Bradley McAllister, the brain behind the strategy said the haphazard devastation would continue for the foreseeable future.

“Many nations of the world have long criticized our response to the events of 9/11,” he said. “I think it’s important for us to show them that we hear them and we’re willing to take affirmative steps.

“If they feel like we’re just picking on a certain kind of person for no particular reason then by God I’m willing to show them that America can be just as diverse as they want us to be.”

Asked if the new strategy had borne any results the general noted that many within the international community were far more engaged with US efforts than had been previously.

“They look downright anxious to prove their good intentions towards us,” the general explained, smiling.

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Filed under Foreign Affairs, Law Enforcement, National Defense

Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

levon

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will loosen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”

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Filed under Gay Rights, Government, National Defense

Former CIA Operative Regrets Waterboarding Suspected Terrorists

SPECIAL REPORT

He is known among family and friends as Stephen, but after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks he went to work for the CIA as a deep cover operative even going so far as to change his name to “Steve”. He served in the front lines in the Global War on Terrorism in such hotspots as Al Khandahar and Herat. Whenever Special Forces or intelligence agents brought a suspected terrorist to Steve it was his job to break them…FAST.

“We were pretty sure they had follow-on operations in the works,” Steve tells this reporter. “They had a strategic momentum they had to keep-up if they didn’t want to be seen as a one trick pony. Lives were at stake and we were desperate.”

And it was in this climate of fear and desperation that Steve admits “mistakes were made.” Among the many techniques employed by Steve and his fellow CIA operatives–from sleep deprivation to blaring Swedish death metal music and unusually cold rooms–waterboarding has received the widest criticism. Some even go so far as to call it torture.

“Yeah, we did it,” he admits with a trembling in his voice. “but now I look back and I think, how could we have been so blind?”

Steve goes into lengths–as if speaking to a priest from within a confessional–talking about how the controversial interrogation method yielded a vast treasure trove of intelligence about an Al Qaeda operation moving into its execution phase. “There’s no doubt about it; they were going to hit Los Angeles.”

Indeed that is the damning spiritual indictment Steve wrestles with everyday, “We stopped [Al Qaeda] from blowing-up a city that is selling tickets to see a doped-up pedophile buried in a gold coffin. Everyday I have to live with that fact and I’m ashamed of it.

“We risked our lives, our reputations and legal prosecution for this? I don’t know what the president was selling to the American people at the time but that’s not why I joined.”

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Pentagon Deploys Assets to Hawaii

Oahu, HI – With Japanese newspapers reporting North Korea is preparing to launch a missile towards Hawaii some time around July 4th, Defense Secretary Robert Gates has decided to leave nothing to chance.

“We’re making moves in coordination with the president’s policy of not exacerbating situations with moves that might be interpreted as hostile or confrontational,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Richard Walcott. Major Walcott did acknowledge that the decision as to the type of assets to be deployed was partly based on recently proposed budget cuts to the funding of interceptor missiles.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

The Pentagon announced today that it will deploy a miniature golf course off the coast of Hawaii in the hopes North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il likes to play miniature golf.

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Filed under Foreign Affairs, National Defense