Category Archives: Science & Technology

BP Continues to Work Feverishly to End Oil Spill

Gulf of Mexico – Forty days since an explosive blowout on the drilling rig, Deepwater Horizon, BP executives announced they would be attempting what is known as a “junk shot” in a desperate bid plug the spewing wellhead.

Technical experts consulted by BNN state that a junk shot entails literally injecting refuse and an odd assortment of items into the space of the failed blowout preventer valve assembly some 5,000 feet below the surface.

Among the items to be pushed in the junk shot: knotted strands of rope, golf balls and an unused manual for maintaining blowout preventers.

Many had hoped that Friday’s effort at a “top kill” would have stemmed the flow of oil now gushing into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico but there is now every indication the procedure held only temporarily. This came on the heels of an earlier failed effort to employ a “bell cap.”

A BP engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he felt confident that the junk shot would produce results as it had been extensively tested on Lindsey Lohan.

In Other News:

Governor Declares Interstate a “20 MPH School Zone”

Average speeds through heart of capital  more than double.

Smoking Hot Babe Wakes Up Next to Total Loser-Jerk

Alcohol may have been involved.

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Eco-Friendly Replacement for SMART Car Makes Debut

Silicon Valley, CA – In today’s eco-conscious world the SMART car has already out-lived its usefulness.

Now a manufacturer has debuted the Totally Amazing Research Design Car or TARD Car as a replacement for the SMART Car.

The TARD Car’s lead designer, Orin Olson, vows that his new vehicle will drive between 3 to 4 years between refueling stops and produce no measurable emissions.

“It’s really amazing what we can do when people want to believe in you,” Olson says with a smile that beams like a father watching an infant son take his first steps. “I believe this will truly revolutionize the way people look at the environmental movement.”

Despite his hopeful outlook, Olson admits there will be problems initially.

“Ja, there is still a problem with fuel distribution,” he concedes. “We simply don’t have enough of it.”

Nevertheless, the design prototype is all but completed. Olson’s team works feverishly day and night to prepare for mass-production. In a factory lovingly named “The TARDen of Eden” by its many researchers the company has applied for, and received, nearly a billion-dollars in grants and seed money from the Obama administration as part of the much-hailed Stimulus plan of 2009.

“I think we’ve really hit on a winner,” notes Commerce Secretary Gary Locke. “It simply makes sense especially when you consider how much auto manufacturing machinery has been just lying around ever since we took over GM. Why not just give them the machinery and throw in a few hundred million dollars to boot?”

Olson admits getting funding wasn’t easy. The design itself was conceived and drawn in a single night after Olson regained consciousness from what is believed to be the accidental ingestion of the excretions from a rare Central American toad following his expulsion from MIT after failing to conform to its rigid strictures.

“The Bush administration wouldn’t even look at us. But as soon as Obama was elected we knew we had a winner on our hands.”

Secretary Locke admits the administration wants to do more to get taxpayer money into the hands of people like Olson.

Despite the government’s backing the company isn’t waiting for the American public to come to them. Part of their strategic vision is to begin distributing hundreds of thousands of t-shirts emblazoned with the company’s logo among the more activist elements of the environmental movement.

When asked when the TARD car will finally be seen on America’s highways Olson smiled and said as soon as his researchers finalize their unicorn cloning system so that their magical shit can be harvested for fuel.

Vice President Joe Biden once again leads the Obama administration's green initiatives. Seen here in his TARD car the VP was eager to move away from the already eco-friendly shortened bus the president had originally provided for him.

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Scientists Elated, Fearful Over Discovery of New Species

Trying to conceive for years. Dominick says sometimes Andre just sits up at night crying.

Dominick and Andre: trying to conceive for years. Dominick says sometimes Andre just sits up at night crying.

Near the Ross Sea, Antarctica – Scientists studying wildlife here on the antarctic ice shelf were overjoyed recently at what many believe to be the discovery of a new breed of penguin.

Known by their scientific moniker Aptenodytes Fabulous, the penguins are believed to be the first known example in nature of an almost exclusively homosexual species. “It’s a thrilling day for science,” said Dr. Ethel Weinhiemer, part of an expedition from the British Zoological Society. Dr. Weinhiemer says she started suspecting the existence of the new breed when groups of female penguins would follow her for hours whenever she wore plaid flannel shirts.

Some debate still lingers as to whether the penguins truly represent a new branch on the phylogenic tree or whether they are simply members of a more abundant species that have migrated from their home colonies to seek their own fortunes.

Apart from their sexual proclivities the penguins are easily identified by their extravagant and brightly colored nests.

But amid the celebrations came notes of concern. Numbers of the penguins are said to be dwindling rapidly and that has scientists and conservationists alarmed. “We are hoping to learn so much from these gentle and beautiful animals,” said Dr. Weinheimer, “but at the current rate of population loss they may not be around in another decade.”

Despite the fact that the penguins “fornicate like ferrets locked in a Viagra factory” Dr. Weinheimer says the animals seem unable to reproduce. “We just don’t understand what’s not working here,” she said.

Efforts are underway to see if the species can be preserved. Captive breeding programs have not yielded any results to date. In a desperate effort to better understand the mating habits of their charges Dr. Weinheimer and her lovely female assistant have taken to reviewing hours upon hours of film of the copulating animals, locking themselves in a room together with nothing more than a bottle of wine and a Michael McDonald greatest hits CD.

New efforts to preserve the penguins will center on encouraging other breeds to allow the endangered species to adopt eggs and a broad-based initiative to increase social tolerance and understanding of gay penguins through elementary school-aged education and positive portrayals in the media such as how to properly groom plumage.

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