Monthly Archives: October 2009

Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

levon

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will loosen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”

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Filed under Gay Rights, Government, National Defense

BREAKING: Obama Goes to Copenhagen

Can’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

In Other National News

Unemployment Creeps Past 9.8%

Economists fault lack of stimulus spending in t-shirt sales as the leading cause of entrenched joblessness.

Despite Lobby by Obama, Chicago Loses Bid to Host Numerous Special Events

Among this weeks disappointments:

  • The US Special Olympics committee withdrew its offer to hold its 2016 games citing the fact that, despite his bowling scores, president Obama had taken all of their best athletes to Washington DC with him.
  • The International Adult Film Industry pulled out at the last moment citing concerns that holding their annual convention in Chicago may tarnish their image.
  • A week-long seminar for used car salesmen, accident compensation attorneys and military recruiters was cancelled because of concerns over Chicago’s on-going ethics issues.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for the Windy City. On Friday a major developer announced plans to build an industrial sized seal fur harvesting farm to be staffed exclusively by lepers and is powered by irradiated dirty coal but only because president Obama had begged, “pretty please with sugar, a cherry and sprinkles on top? I need this!”

Mayor Daley was overheard to say, “We’ll take it.”

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Filed under Economics & Finance, Politics, Sports, Uncategorized

‘Safe Schools’ Czar Issues Apology

Washington DC – President Obama’s appointed official on keeping school children safe now says he regrets not having done more two decades ago when a 15-year old student confided in him that he was having sex with adult males at a bus depot.

Kevin Jennings, a high school teacher at the time, told the student to make sure condoms were being used before sending the student back on his way.

Asked if this was the sort of representation the White House wanted for its education initiatives one White House staffer admitted, “You work with the material left to you. When we hired Mr. Jennings, Mackenzie Phillip’s dad was dead and Roman Polanski was out of country at the time.”

In Other Educational News

Videos of Children Singing Obama’s Praises Cause Deep Concern

The recent spate of videos of elementary-aged school children singing praises to President Obama has Education Secretary Arne Duncan deeply concerned.

“They’re sounding a little off-key and they obviously need work on their arpagios but we’re working on it,” he said answering questions on his way to a meeting with the director of the Vienna Boys Chior.

In Wake of Deadly Beating Chicago Schools Crackdown

Students will now be searched for 10-foot wooden planks prior to entering classes.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

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Filed under Education, Government, Law Enforcement