Eco-Friendly Replacement for SMART Car Makes Debut

Silicon Valley, CA – In today’s eco-conscious world the SMART car has already out-lived its usefulness.

Now a manufacturer has debuted the Totally Amazing Research Design Car or TARD Car as a replacement for the SMART Car.

The TARD Car’s lead designer, Orin Olson, vows that his new vehicle will drive between 3 to 4 years between refueling stops and produce no measurable emissions.

“It’s really amazing what we can do when people want to believe in you,” Olson says with a smile that beams like a father watching an infant son take his first steps. “I believe this will truly revolutionize the way people look at the environmental movement.”

Despite his hopeful outlook, Olson admits there will be problems initially.

“Ja, there is still a problem with fuel distribution,” he concedes. “We simply don’t have enough of it.”

Nevertheless, the design prototype is all but completed. Olson’s team works feverishly day and night to prepare for mass-production. In a factory lovingly named “The TARDen of Eden” by its many researchers the company has applied for, and received, nearly a billion-dollars in grants and seed money from the Obama administration as part of the much-hailed Stimulus plan of 2009.

“I think we’ve really hit on a winner,” notes Commerce Secretary Gary Locke. “It simply makes sense especially when you consider how much auto manufacturing machinery has been just lying around ever since we took over GM. Why not just give them the machinery and throw in a few hundred million dollars to boot?”

Olson admits getting funding wasn’t easy. The design itself was conceived and drawn in a single night after Olson regained consciousness from what is believed to be the accidental ingestion of the excretions from a rare Central American toad following his expulsion from MIT after failing to conform to its rigid strictures.

“The Bush administration wouldn’t even look at us. But as soon as Obama was elected we knew we had a winner on our hands.”

Secretary Locke admits the administration wants to do more to get taxpayer money into the hands of people like Olson.

Despite the government’s backing the company isn’t waiting for the American public to come to them. Part of their strategic vision is to begin distributing hundreds of thousands of t-shirts emblazoned with the company’s logo among the more activist elements of the environmental movement.

When asked when the TARD car will finally be seen on America’s highways Olson smiled and said as soon as his researchers finalize their unicorn cloning system so that their magical shit can be harvested for fuel.

Vice President Joe Biden once again leads the Obama administration's green initiatives. Seen here in his TARD car the VP was eager to move away from the already eco-friendly shortened bus the president had originally provided for him.

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New Healthcare Law Continues to Surprise

Washington DC – Nearly a  month after the highly controversial healthcare reform bill was signed into law by President Obama, new and surprising details continue to emerge.

Many critics of the reform package had long argued that congress was passing the bill without fully reviewing its contents. After a month of unexpected details, conflicting passages and unintended consequences those who steadfastly plumb the law’s 2,000-page depths continue to reveal ever more startling finds.

Among the finds was $6.37 in loose change that fell from among the pages when a congressional staffer held the printed law over his head and shook it vigorously.

The change was immediately scooped up and placed in a coin kitty by House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer who declared the find a cost-savings enhancement but the money appears to have already been spent by the president who was rifling through sofa cushions looking for money for a pack of cigarettes.

Another interesting discovery was a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich, stickily plastered in the section referring to insurance mandate enforcement. Although it made the section on mandate enforcement all but unreadable, Treasury Secretary Geithner spoke at length to reassure anxious Americans that the IRS and its 15,000 new agents was still fully prepared to meet the law’s enforcement obligations.

Perhaps one of the most contentious finds was a series of erotic short stories by author Gore Vidal, interspersed between pages 1,625 and 1,842 of the law. An aide to Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass) immediately denied any knowledge of how the stories were included in the bill before this reporter was able to contact his office for comment.

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Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

levon

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will loosen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”

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BREAKING: Obama Goes to Copenhagen

Can’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

In Other National News

Unemployment Creeps Past 9.8%

Economists fault lack of stimulus spending in t-shirt sales as the leading cause of entrenched joblessness.

Despite Lobby by Obama, Chicago Loses Bid to Host Numerous Special Events

Among this weeks disappointments:

  • The US Special Olympics committee withdrew its offer to hold its 2016 games citing the fact that, despite his bowling scores, president Obama had taken all of their best athletes to Washington DC with him.
  • The International Adult Film Industry pulled out at the last moment citing concerns that holding their annual convention in Chicago may tarnish their image.
  • A week-long seminar for used car salesmen, accident compensation attorneys and military recruiters was cancelled because of concerns over Chicago’s on-going ethics issues.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for the Windy City. On Friday a major developer announced plans to build an industrial sized seal fur harvesting farm to be staffed exclusively by lepers and is powered by irradiated dirty coal but only because president Obama had begged, “pretty please with sugar, a cherry and sprinkles on top? I need this!”

Mayor Daley was overheard to say, “We’ll take it.”

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‘Safe Schools’ Czar Issues Apology

Washington DC – President Obama’s appointed official on keeping school children safe now says he regrets not having done more two decades ago when a 15-year old student confided in him that he was having sex with adult males at a bus depot.

Kevin Jennings, a high school teacher at the time, told the student to make sure condoms were being used before sending the student back on his way.

Asked if this was the sort of representation the White House wanted for its education initiatives one White House staffer admitted, “You work with the material left to you. When we hired Mr. Jennings, Mackenzie Phillip’s dad was dead and Roman Polanski was out of country at the time.”

In Other Educational News

Videos of Children Singing Obama’s Praises Cause Deep Concern

The recent spate of videos of elementary-aged school children singing praises to President Obama has Education Secretary Arne Duncan deeply concerned.

“They’re sounding a little off-key and they obviously need work on their arpagios but we’re working on it,” he said answering questions on his way to a meeting with the director of the Vienna Boys Chior.

In Wake of Deadly Beating Chicago Schools Crackdown

Students will now be searched for 10-foot wooden planks prior to entering classes.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

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And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

If you’ve been keeping abreast of the latest environmental news than you’ve already heard that plush toilet paper is bad for the planet. No doubt you’ve wanted to do your part. Well, if you’ve got Al Gore’s back he’s got yours because one good environmental movement deserves another.

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Hey! Maybe it won’t cut down on all of your greenhouse gas emissions but who says you can’t wipe away your nagging conscious with Re-Usab-Als

But wait, there’s more! The Re-Usab-Al can also be used to exfoliate your skin, make quick work of burnt-on lasagna and make old, tarnished cast iron skillets shine like new!

So why don’t you show Al Gore your heart and your head are in the right place and order your Re-Usab-Al today!

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Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

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