Silicon Valley, CA – In today’s eco-conscious world the SMART car has already out-lived its usefulness.
Now a manufacturer has debuted the Totally Amazing Research Design Car or TARD Car as a replacement for the SMART Car.
The TARD Car’s lead designer, Orin Olson, vows that his new vehicle will drive between 3 to 4 years between refueling stops and produce no measurable emissions.
“It’s really amazing what we can do when people want to believe in you,” Olson says with a smile that beams like a father watching an infant son take his first steps. “I believe this will truly revolutionize the way people look at the environmental movement.”
Despite his hopeful outlook, Olson admits there will be problems initially.
“Ja, there is still a problem with fuel distribution,” he concedes. “We simply don’t have enough of it.”
Nevertheless, the design prototype is all but completed. Olson’s team works feverishly day and night to prepare for mass-production. In a factory lovingly named “The TARDen of Eden” by its many researchers the company has applied for, and received, nearly a billion-dollars in grants and seed money from the Obama administration as part of the much-hailed Stimulus plan of 2009.
“I think we’ve really hit on a winner,” notes Commerce Secretary Gary Locke. “It simply makes sense especially when you consider how much auto manufacturing machinery has been just lying around ever since we took over GM. Why not just give them the machinery and throw in a few hundred million dollars to boot?”
Olson admits getting funding wasn’t easy. The design itself was conceived and drawn in a single night after Olson regained consciousness from what is believed to be the accidental ingestion of the excretions from a rare Central American toad following his expulsion from MIT after failing to conform to its rigid strictures.
“The Bush administration wouldn’t even look at us. But as soon as Obama was elected we knew we had a winner on our hands.”
Secretary Locke admits the administration wants to do more to get taxpayer money into the hands of people like Olson.
Despite the government’s backing the company isn’t waiting for the American public to come to them. Part of their strategic vision is to begin distributing hundreds of thousands of t-shirts emblazoned with the company’s logo among the more activist elements of the environmental movement.
When asked when the TARD car will finally be seen on America’s highways Olson smiled and said as soon as his researchers finalize their unicorn cloning system so that their magical shit can be harvested for fuel.