Abbotsford, WI – This sleepy midwestern town had been the scene of much fanfare in recent months. Struggling under the burden of a lingering economic recession the population of 2,000 residents were expecting relief from an adminsitration many here had campaigned for as the panacea to the nation’s financial woes.
Plucked from obscurity by White House economic policy staffers eager to demonstrate the efficacy of Obama’s stimulus programs, Abbotsford was do to receive its first major installment under the provisions of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act until a confluence of innocuous events conspired to unleash tragedy.
The epicenter of Abbotsford’s misfortunes centered on mass layoffs at the local glue factory which has left the town straining under an unemployment rate almost double the national average but that didn’t mean their plight was unheard of or unaddressed by a fresh-faced adminstration eager to come to the aid of this troubled community or the hundreds just like it around the country.
“We really listened to our supporters,” said Megan Cartwright of the White House’s stimulus oversight office. “We conducted numerous polls and focus groups and we feel like what our base is looking are free ponies and that’s what we wanted to give them.” And with that in mind 200 snowy white colts were dispatched to the struggling citizens of Abbotsford.
Yet, despite the high hopes a simple clerical error saw the ponies delivered to the glue factory instead.
“We were devastated,” said the town’s mayor, Agnus Dalrymple. “When I heard the news that the ponies were coming I was elated but then I saw the manifest and I thought to myself, something’s not right. I shook it off because this was Obama, right? They have to know what they were doing.”
Small children from the town and the rest of the county had gathered with their parents along the main thoroughfare to await the arrival of the ponies in their caravan of sleek, silvery trailers. But joy soon turned to horror as the caravan drove past the cheering throngs straight up to the smoke-belching factory that overlooks the town.
“The children were wailing,” recalls Mayor Dalrymple. “And no sooner had we begun to quiet them than we heard the whinying cries off in the distance and the tears began all over again.”
When news of the misfortune reached Washington, White House staffers sprang into action releasing a statement blasting FOX News for rushing to publish the story.
“Those ponies were to open new frontiers in the president’s economic vision for America and all they can do find fault,” said Ms. Cartwright. “This wasn’t just about the ponies but the spin-off industries of livery stables, feed lots and faux leather saddles and its an environmentally sound direction designed to ower the nation’s carbon footprint.”
Conservative critics assailed the policy claiming it was based on little more than ongoing evidence that the president is beholden to the blacksmith’s union. Their green solution leaves brown problems, read bumperstickers springing-up around the country.