Washington D.C. – August has not been the kindest of months for president Obama. With the recession putting the brakes on federal revenue streams and major agenda items feeling the pressure from an electorate increasingly nervous over deficits the fledgling administration is scrambling to ease the concerns that its domestic policies will bankrupt the nation are mere opposition rhetoric and not a genuine threat.
Nowhere is this pressure more pronounced than the president’s ambitions for a federally-based healthcare system. On the campaign trail then-candidate Obama pledged that the program would be “revenue neutral” with any additional cost offset by savings. Yet, with budget deficit projections recently revised from $7 trillion to $9 trillion over the next 10 years even with the president’s presumed savings measures in place many Americans—and members congress from within the president’s own party—are in a quasi-state of political rebellion.
The encroaching debt burden also threatens another Obama campaign promise: that only those Americans making over $250,000 would see their taxes rise.
“Even if you took every last dime they [the rich] owned you could only cover about 40% of the proposed new cost outlays,” explained noted economist Harold Fredericks.
The fact has not been lost on the president’s economic policy team.
“We know what we’re up against,” said Rosemary Hicks, said the chief of Obama’s Revenue Appropriations, Projections and Enhancement Department (RAPED) as she took a moment from finishing her bachelor’s degree in Siberian dung beetle insemination. “We admit we had ideas on how to pay for these programs before we assumed the reigns but when we inherited this economy from the previous administration we discovered that certain realities had been—shall we say—concealed from us.”
Ms. Hicks describes the problem in the frankest terms. “We took a number of very rich Americans and no matter how many we cut open there weren’t any golden eggs to be found,” she told us between text messages with that totally cute guy she met at the “Free Tibet” rally and would so go out with him even though he’s a total jock. “We must have repeated the process at least a thousand times but we never found a single egg.”
Other avenues have proven equally fruitless such as wishing everything the president touches would turn to gold. “Some people said it could have bad repercussions with the president’s family so the idea never made its way out of committee.”
The revelation has left Ms. Hicks and her colleagues searching for other ways to fund the president’s agenda. “I don’t think we’re totally without options though. I heard about this little short dude that can spin straw into gold.”
If the reports prove true Ms. Hicks says a new czar could be in the offing.
“What have we got to lose?”