Obama Offers Strongest Statement to Date on Iran

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Willingness: the Antidote for Rape

Washington D.C. – While president Obama has been generally reserved about taking sides in the unfolding drama in Iran, White House advisers are crediting the president’s recent speech in Cairo for inspiring the uprising.

In his speech the president spoke of the general principles of human freedom and dignity. However, many of the president’s closest confidantes noted that the president had deeper messages for the Iranian people.

Speaking on conditions of anonymity one senior White house staffer told BNN, “In his Cairo speech the president expressed deep regret over America’s past meddling in the affairs of the Middle East.” Most notably was the overthrow of the elected Iranian government through Operation: Ajax.

“This is something that has always troubled the president and as such he feels America needs to make amends to prove to the Iranian people, and indeed all other peoples of the Middle East that America wants to undo its past mistakes,” our source explained.

To this end the administration is working towards reinstating the regime of the Soviet client-state ousted in 1953. “We feel it’s what the Iranian people really deserve at this juncture and it would demonstrate to the rest of the world that president Obama is committed to changing the world as we know it.”

When asked how the ethics of one-party rule, staunch atheism or centralized economic planning were compatible with the goals of the opposition to the current Iranian regime the source stressed it was important not to get bogged down in minutae, a principle the president has been diligent in practicing during his tenure.

In Other News:

Global Warming Cured

Scientists around the world hailed the first ladies of the US and France for their ability to come together and resolve the global blight of climate change.

“I think it’s safe to say that global warming has ceased to be an issue,” stated Dr. Henry Emerson, professor emeritus for climatology at UC Sacramento. “In fact it got pretty fucking cold that day.”

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

"You look too much like that moose-hunting bitch."

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