Washington D.C. – In the aftermath of the most recent mass shooting many in congress have returned to the age-old head-scratching exercise of asking, “What could we have done differently to prevent this from happening?”
With the breadth and scope of gun control laws all but exhausted, and as some would argue, unduly restricted by the Constitution, lawmakers have started to look to alternate avenues to ensure the public’s safety.
When asked, what was the single greatest commonality among the perpetrators of these heinous acts, policy experts cited one trait that repeatedly emerged: quiet loners. “It is increasing becoming apparent that our number one safety concern for law enforcement has become the soft-spoken recluse,” said Dr. Emmanuel Norton, professor of Forensic Psychology at UC Berkley.
“So many times before we’ve heard about these unassuming sorts that no one ever suspected of doing something so heinous,” railed attorney general Eric Holder, “Well, we say to these would-be silent hermits, ‘Never again!’ To the introverts of the world we say your time is done. No more quiet lunches alone in your cubicles. No more unassuming, loose-fitting earth tones. Your subscription to NetFlix has been cancelled!”
Public outcry for the tougher laws has grown. One local advocate of the proposed legislation weighed in, “It’s like that guy living at the end of the street who is only seen leaving for work or watering his lawn on the weekends. For all we know he is really some sort psychopathic serial killer or mass-murderer. I know I don’t want to take that kind of chance with my family. He’s not married, he doesn’t have a girlfriend. I used to think he was just gay but since last week’s shooting I’ve come to realize it’s probably worse than that. We need to take him out first.”
A top congressional aide noted, “We’ve confronted these kinds of people since grade school. They thought they could get out of playing dodge-ball with us bigger kids and just sit by themselves playing with bugs but we learned early on to deal with their threats and take their lunch money that they might use to finance their deranged schemes.”
Some fear proposed legislation may not be going far enough. It isn’t enough to be wary of the quiet loner, they say, the government must also be on the look out for the irascible, curmudgeonly and generally snippy.
The proposed laws were not without controversy however. Unfortunately the chief civil rights activist group for quiet loners would only draw the curtains and pretend they weren’t home when asked to comment.