Washington D.C. – Today in response to a growing outcry from members of congress Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced the formation of an intergovernmental panel to study the effects of the recession on monetary clichés.
“We are in danger of seeing some of our most beloved linguistic treasures devalued to the point of worthlessness,” said Kimberly Neidermeyer, Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Currency-Based Memes.
To underscore the severity of the crisis the Treasure Department released figures today that showed cost and inflation-adjusted figures for feeling “like a million bucks” was now reduced to levels not seen since the late 1970’s. As the dollar continued to lose value Evil has announced it will be indexing to the Euro as its root currency. Also affecting foreign currency markets, those who are in for a penny are now in for £5.68.
Futures in Money Talks have been losing ground steadily against futures of its chief competitor, Ambulatory Male Bovine Excrescence. Meanwhile, Wall Street’s three biggest financial rating services have reduced the credit worthiness of the “Your Money or Your Life” to junk bond status citing severity of its over-leveraged condition.
Stopgap proposals have been so drastic as to suggest that as a cost-cutting measure the federal mint cease production of pennies used for the purchase of thoughts. “We just can’t afford the price of minting all those pennies. Thinking just isn’t a policy priority for the president and congress right now,” said one financial analyst.
One upswing from the volatility is the price of wooden nickels appears to be gaining in value but this has left congress vowing to hold committee hearings to determine if hedge fund operators with more than two nickels to rub together have been unfairly influencing the market.