Obama Renews Vow to Abolish Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Washington DC – Today in a speech to long disappointed supporters from among the Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender (LGBT) community, President Obama renewed his vow to end the Clinton-era policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell so as to allow homosexuals to openly serve in the military.

Feel the power!

Although skepticism still held sway amongst his erstwhile supporters due to the seeming lack of activity the president and his administration officials were determined to lay those apprehensions to rest.

“We’re really getting behind this initiative and pushing,” said Edward Jerome, senior aide to the deputy undersecretary of defense. “Things will be tight at first but we’re pretty sure things will lossen up once the military learns to relax a little.”

But signs of change are already apparent. Today it was announced that the first openly gay Mighty Morphing Power Ranger will be joining the team at the end of the month.

The Purple Ranger, or Levon as he is known to his friends when not battling giant monsters, says this is a big moment not only for him but for gay Rangers everywhere.

“This is for you Lavender, Chartreusse and Fuscia Rangers! I love you guys!” Levon was quoted as saying just after the president’s address. “I’ll see you boys in the cockpit.”

Meanwhile, the Plaid Ranger, the first lesbian Power Ranger, indicated she had reservations because she realized not everyone on the team welcomed the move.

“While I look forward to working closely with the Pink Ranger, I think Green isn’t objecting so much as he is hiding and he needs to come to terms with who he really is. I mean, does the White Ranger really need someone to swoop in and save him that many times? The old ‘we’re just school buddies’ excuse isn’t cutting it anymore. The only class they ever shared was gym.”

BREAKING: Obama Goes to Copenhagen

Can’t even get a stupid t-shirt.

In Other National News

Unemployment Creeps Past 9.8%

Economists fault lack of stimulus spending in t-shirt sales as the leading cause of entrenched joblessness.

Despite Lobby by Obama, Chicago Loses Bid to Host Numerous Special Events

Among this weeks disappointments:

• The US Special Olympics committee withdrew its offer to hold its 2016 games citing the fact that, despite his bowling scores, president Obama had taken all of their best athletes to Washington DC with him.
• The International Adult Film Industry pulled out at the last moment citing concerns that holding their annual convention in Chicago may tarnish their image.
• A week-long seminar for used car salesmen, accident compensation attorneys and military recruiters was cancelled because of concerns over Chicago’s on-going ethics issues.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for the Windy City. On Friday a major developer announced plans to build an industrial sized seal fur harvesting farm to be staffed exclusively by lepers and is powered by irradiated dirty coal but only because president Obama had begged, “pretty please with sugar, a cherry and sprinkles on top? I need this!”

Mayor Daley was overheard to say, “We’ll take it.”

‘Safe Schools’ Czar Issues Apology

Washington DC - President Obama’s appointed official on keeping school children safe now says he regrets not having done more two decades ago when a 15-year old student confided in him that he was having sex with adult males at a bus depot.

Kevin Jennings, a high school teacher at the time, told the student to make sure condoms were being used before sending the student back on his way.

Asked if this was the sort of representation the White House wanted for its education initiatives one White House staffer admitted, “You work with the material left to you. When we hired Mr. Jennings, Mackenzie Phillip’s dad was dead and Roman Polanski was out of country at the time.”

In Other Educational News

Videos of Children Singing Obama’s Praises Cause Deep Concern

The recent spate of videos of elementary-aged school children singing praises to President Obama has Education Secretary Arne Duncan deeply concerned.

“They’re sounding a little off-key and they obviously need work on their arpagios but we’re working on it,” he said answering questions on his way to a meeting with the director of the Vienna Boys Chior.

In Wake of Deadly Beating Chicago Schools Crackdown

Students will now be searched for 10-foot wooden planks prior to entering classes.

Easy access to unregistered lumber is the obvious culprit.

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Roman Polanski To Be Extradited to US

Famed movie director Roman Polanski has been arrested in Switzerland and will be extradited to the US. Polanski fled the day before he was due to be sentenced in 1977 after pleading guilty to drugging and sodomizing a 13-year old girl.

After numerous appeals that have thus far proven fruitless counsel for Polansky says it will focus its remaining efforts to keep the celbrity out of prison by convincing the court that the Polish director is, in fact, Michael Jackson.

In Other National News

Liberal Democrats Want Undocumented Workers Included In Healthcare Bill

Said one congressional staffer, “It’s Obama’s legislation, why shouldn’t he be covered as well?”

Concern Grows Over Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy

This past weekend former president Bill Clinton, echoing his wife’s warning from the mid-90’s, decried the growing pervasiveness of a “vast right-wing conspiracy”.

So threat has become so omnipresent that ACORN, SEIU, AFL-CIO, MoveOn.org, numerous foundations supported by George Soros, the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Boston Globe, MSNBC, CBS, CNBC, ABC, Michael Moore, the congressional Progressive Caucus, the ACLU, People for the American Way, People for the Seperation of Church and State, NOW, Planned Parenthood, National Lawyers Guild, the Screen Actors Guild, International ANSWER, Code PINK, the Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Salon, Slate and democraticunderground.com have all begun coordinating the messages to warn the American people against, “a bunch fear-mongering racist hicks engaged in ad hominem attacks intended to avoid real debate because all they want to do is kill you and stuff because they hate you and all they want to do is hurt you and take your money because they hate and they’re haters and you shouldn’t listen to them…ever…because they hate and they’re all in on it together and they’re stupid and if you listen to them then you’ll be a stupid hater too.”

Announcement: Our Denouncement

First they came for the funny, but I said nothing because I was not funny...

To our readers…both of you (Hi, mom!)…we are delighted to announce that we have been denounced by The People’s Cube, the most politcally korrekt website on the internet for socialist merchandising and profit-making enterprises. It is with great honor that we have gained their condemnation and we look forward to be reviled by them for many years to come. Such deep-seated mistrust and loathing does not come easy and we hope we never disappoint such low expectations. So , won’t you please take a moment to visit The People’s Cube and become an object of fear and ridicule among the oppressed masses.

White House Trumpets New Environmental Compliance

Washington DC - After a series of fits and starts the White House today announced it has come into full compliance the tough new environmental standards set forth by congress this year.

Before and after: No longer the brightest bulb.

President Obama, once known for the brilliant, angelic radiance that accompanied him wherever he campaigned, has converted his beaming glow into a more energy-friendly Compact Flourescent Halo or CFH.

The more energy intensive incandescent halo was justified as an unpleasant necessity of the campaign trail but since entering the oval office White House staffers have been eager to point out how the president has reduced his output.

“I think we as Americans should be proud of the president’s leadership in this area,” said Eric DuBoise from the Office of Presidential Luminance. “If you look at all his work you can really tell he’s turned down the wattage in everything he does whether it’s the economy, healthcare or the war in Afghanistan.” 

However, many White House observers wonder if the president shouldn’t be exempt from the new regulations. “I understand the desire to lead by example,” said one member of the press corps, “but let’s face facts; the new CFH is kind of dim and it gives some folks a headache.”

In Other National News

Sen. Dodd Faces Tough Questions on Mortgage

Sen. Christopher Dodd (D – CT), chairman of the Senate Banking Committee which oversees the nation’s lending institutions has long been criticized for relaxing the regulations for lending practices that allowed the housing market to suffer a near catastrophic collapse has himself come under intense scrutiny concerning recently acquired mortgages.

At issue are a number of properties the senator appears to have been acquired on terms far more favorable than would be available to the average American.

“I can’t say anything specific happened,” said a senatorial staffer on conditions of anonymity, “but all I know is that after he bought St. James Place I got up to get a soda and when I came back he looked like he had a lot more money on his pile than when I left.

“And I think he bumped the little dog over to ‘Free Parking’ too.”

Latest Drug Craze Threatens Urban Youth

Raleigh, NC - In a ordinary working class neighborhood here in the North Carolina capital local police officer Michael Jenson patrols on foot. It is, he says, the best way to establish a rapport with the children and teens that live along his beat. That rapport is needed to “get ahead” of the kids as they approach the deadly pitfalls awaiting them.

Experts warn Placebos may exacerbate the effects of youth.

“I have to be able to warn them,” says Ofc. Jenson. “I have to let them know. It’s like they’re my own kids.” These days the biggest danger Ofc. Jenson fears is the growing use of Placebos.

In a near-ritualistic fashion many kids from inner city environs gather for what is known as a “sugarbuzz.”

“They’re popping them like they were candy,” warns Ofc. Jenson. “I’ve heard of kids taking handfuls of the things all at once. Then they just wander around with that glazed look on their faces. It breaks your heart.”

Once used exclusively by pharmaceutical companies in clinical trials, Placebos have become a recreational drug for kids seeking escape from boredom and angst that often accompanies adolescence.

Researchers still aren’t sure exactly what the effects, both near and long term, might have in store for those abusing Placebos.

“We’ve seen Placebos mimic the effects of a wide range of prescription medications,” noted Dr. Seymour Gantry of the Food and Drug Administration. “Much of the research on these Placebos is still out.”

And it’s not just the prescription-grade Placebos. Reports are coming out of “bathtub” Placebos whose effectiveness is several times more potent than those produced by heavily regualted and monitored pharmaceutical companies thus leading to a very real possibility of an overdose or other mishap.

“I blame our glamour-obsessed culture,” scolds Bertha Windmeyer, an inner-city youth counselor. “Turn on your TV at any given hour and you’ll see celebrities popping sweet, sugary treats with no depiction of the adverse effects.”

Once a sweets abuser herself, Ms. Windmeyer struggles daily with the 50 some-odd pounds left to her from a life of reckless abandon. Now forced to walk with a waddle Ms. Windmeyer sounds a clear indictment, ”It’s embedded in our culture where candy is passed off as a ‘holiday-enhancer.’ “

Ms. Windmeyer says the battle against Placebos begins at home with the parents, “How can we expect our children to grow-up and make the right decisions if they see their parents exchanging heart-shaped boxes and candy canes and setting out bowls of candy for Halloween visitors?”

But that doesn’t mean Ofc. Jenson and his department are leaving others to do all the heavy-lifting.

“Just last week we busted a tractor-trailer loaded with sacks of pure cane sugar. We do our best to go after the suppliers but what do you do when there are entire plantations dedicated to growing this stuff scattered all throughout Central and South America? It’s not just the white stuff either. We got bags of ‘downtown brown’ showing up all the time. And the powdered stuff is the worst.”

But it is a battle they fight against a mighty headwind. Local courts have been beseiged by lawsuits stemming from charges of overcrowding in the city’s jail. Last month a judge ordered the early release of two confectioners and a pastry chef after the trio had completed little over one-quarter of their sentences.

“It makes me sick,” says Ofc. Jenson. “It was hard enough getting the candy and soda machines out of the public schools without having to see these sorts of scum turned back out onto the streets.”

Government Stimulus Program Goes Tragically Awry

Abbotsford, WI - This sleepy midwestern town had been the scene of much fanfare in recent months. Struggling under the burden of a lingering economic recession the population of 2,000 residents were expecting relief from an adminsitration many here had campaigned for as the panacea to the nation’s financial woes.

Plucked from obscurity by White House economic policy staffers eager to demonstrate the efficacy of Obama’s stimulus programs, Abbotsford was do to receive its first major installment under the provisions of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act until a confluence of innocuous events conspired to unleash tragedy.

The face of the resurgent Democrat party.

The epicenter of Abbotsford’s misfortunes centered on mass layoffs at the local glue factory which has left the town straining under an unemployment rate almost double the national average but that didn’t mean their plight was unheard of or unaddressed by a fresh-faced adminstration eager to come to the aid of this troubled community or the hundreds just like it around the country.

“We really listened to our supporters,” said Megan Cartwright of the White House’s stimulus oversight office. “We conducted numerous polls and focus groups and we feel like what our base is looking are free ponies and that’s what we wanted to give them.” And with that in mind 200 snowy white colts were dispatched to the struggling citizens of Abbotsford.

Yet, despite the high hopes a simple clerical error saw the ponies delivered to the glue factory instead.

“We were devastated,” said the town’s mayor, Agnus Dalrymple. “When I heard the news that the ponies were coming I was elated but then I saw the manifest and I thought to myself, something’s not right. I shook it off because this was Obama, right? They have to know what they were doing.”

Small children from the town and the rest of the county had gathered with their parents along the main thoroughfare to await the arrival of the ponies in their caravan of sleek, silvery trailers. But joy soon turned to horror as the caravan drove past the cheering throngs straight up to the smoke-belching factory that overlooks the town.

“The children were wailing,” recalls Mayor Dalrymple. “And no sooner had we begun to quiet them than we heard the whinying cries off in the distance and the tears began all over again.”

When news of the misfortune reached Washington, White House staffers sprang into action releasing a statement blasting FOX News for rushing to publish the story.

“Those ponies were to open new frontiers in the president’s economic vision for America and all they can do find fault,” said Ms. Cartwright. “This wasn’t just about the ponies but the spin-off industries of livery stables, feed lots and faux leather saddles and its an environmentally sound direction designed to ower the nation’s carbon footprint.”

Conservative critics assailed the policy claiming it was based on little more than ongoing evidence that the president is beholden to the blacksmith’s union. Their green solution leaves brown problems, read bumperstickers springing-up around the country.

Human Rights Activist Accuses US, Obama of Mass Genocide

Geneva, Switzerland - Dr. Hans Furter has been tracking tales of genocide for over 4 decades. From the Pol Pot’s killing fields of Cambodia to Slobodan Milosevic’s campaign of ethnic cleansing in the former Yugolsav Republic, Dr. Furter says he had thought he had seen it all before but now he says evidence is surfacing that may implicate the United States and President Barack Obama in tale of mass killings that, if proven true, would rival the Stalinist purges.

According to Dr. Furter, evidence for the crime first began to surface in early September when president Obama was addressing a joint session of congress in what was obstensibly an effort to sell healthcare reform.

“In his speech,” Dr. Furter says as he begins to lay out his case, “the American president said 30 million Americans were without health insurance. Before this speech the ‘official’ government figure had been repeatedly touted as 47 million.”

In other words, since Obama began his push for healthcare reform 17 million people have mysteriously disappeared.

In fact, Dr. Furter calls the extermination so complete that it appears as if the suddenly missing 17 million never had any form of documentation to prove they ever existed.

“It is chilling,” says Dr. Furter. “And while one is loathe to leap to consiracy theories it must be admitted by any objective observer would have to admit that the United States is ruled by a bureaucracy that could easily make millions of people disappear in a labyrinth of paperwork and regulatory gymnastics.”

And it isn’t just the bureacracy that rivals Adolf Eichmann’s wildest fantasies, it is scores of government officials known as “czars” who wield the powers of policy setting and budgetary authority, roles constitutionally reserved for the US congress, that gives a chilling capacity to the perceived threat.

Dr. Furter says he does not enter into his accusations lightly. He freely confesses that when Obama was campaigning for president last year that he too had become starstruck by the young, fresh-faced senator from Illinois.

“Alas, it is a sad hallmark of the human condition that those would would rule with an iron fist have no trouble in ‘disappearing’ those who would impede their efforts to seize power by any means necessary. I wish it were not so, but what else could a reasonable person call it?”