BP Continues to Work Feverishly to End Oil Spill

Gulf of Mexico – Forty days since an explosive blowout on the drilling rig, Deepwater Horizon, BP executives announced they would be attempting what is known as a “junk shot” in a desperate bid plug the spewing wellhead.

Technical experts consulted by BNN state that a junk shot entails literally injecting refuse and an odd assortment of items into the space of the failed blowout preventer valve assembly some 5,000 feet below the surface.

Among the items to be pushed in the junk shot: knotted strands of rope, golf balls and an unused manual for maintaining blowout preventers.

Many had hoped that Friday’s effort at a “top kill” would have stemmed the flow of oil now gushing into the waters of the Gulf of Mexico but there is now every indication the procedure held only temporarily. This came on the heels of an earlier failed effort to employ a “bell cap.”

A BP engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he felt confident that the junk shot would produce results as it had been extensively tested on Lindsey Lohan.

In Other News:

Governor Declares Interstate a “20 MPH School Zone”

Average speeds through heart of capital  more than double.

Smoking Hot Babe Wakes Up Next to Total Loser-Jerk

Alcohol may have been involved.

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Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You: Tiger Woods in:

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Hundreds Turn-Out to Eulogize Optimist

Detroit, MI – Dwayne T. Clarke was always renowned among his friends and co-workers for his sunny disposition. Today those friends turned out to pay their last respects to the man that had been the president of their local Optimist Club since 1989.

Dwayne’s positive outlook held fast despite a life of hardship and seemingly insurmountable odds.

Mr. Clarke was orphaned at the age of 5 when his parents were killed by a runaway limousine from the state’s Powerball Lottery Award Patrol as it was attempting to deliver the grand prize to his next door neighbors.

Mr. Clarke was required to grow-up in foster homes, being shunted around after 5 burned down, two were swept away by raging flood waters and 1 foster parent was killed by frozen waste that had been jettisoned by a passing airliner.

When he finally struck out on his own Dwayne amassed a small fortune when he won a major lawsuit for the side effects he suffered after taking an experimental medicine needed to save his life after the medical experiments he had volunteered for proved nearly fatal.

During his recovery he was often seen working to bring smiles to the children at the hospital despite suffering from loss of appetite, loss of hair, hives, bleeding around the teeth and gums, extreme flatulence, watery stools, sleeplessness, narcolepsy, spastic colon, hyper-tension, erectile dysfunction as well as erections lasting more than 4 hours.

In 1989 Dwayne was elected president of the Optimist Club, coincidentally the same day his fortune was wiped-out in the stock market crash of that year.

And there Dwayne came to be loved by his community; until that fateful day last month.

While leading a tour of the local zoo for some senior citizens on an outing Dwayne was bitten in the groin by an escaped ptarmigan. While trying to fight off the attacking fowl he strayed into a tree chipper and would have surely died had not a bolt of freak lightning struck the machine, shutting it down.

However, the ensuing fire is where Mr. Clarke suffered the injuries that would ultimately claim his life.

Still, doctors noted had it not been for his sense of hope Mr. Clarke would not have been able to linger for the 3 weeks the way he did until finally passing away last Friday.

It was for this brave soul that hundreds turned out in the rain to admire even though the funeral procession was delayed after the hearse was struck by a septic tanker truck leaving the nearby chili festival.

Dwayne T. Clarke, a soul taken too soon.

Optimist Prime

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Economists Confront Unexpected Downturns

Chicago University – Economists here have been an integral part of President Obama’s economic policy formulations but in the last 16 months they have had to deal with several unexpected setbacks.

Despite advising the government to extend unemployment benefits for as long as 2 years the number of workers not seeking new jobs remins unexpectedly high.

Likewise, a program to extend government funding for troubled mortgages homeowners are unable to afford has unexpectedly done nothing to curtail the number of foreclosures.

But now a number of unanticipated events have taken a more personal toll on the advisory team.

Last month macro-economist Hans Oldenburg was unexpectedly electrocuted while taking a leisurely bath when he reached up to adjust the radio set precariously on the side of his tub.

Earlier this week nearly the entire faculty staff of the economics school unexpectedly burnt their mouths on coffee that had finished brewing. Only a student lecturer, who had brought an iced latte to the meeting, escaped the scalding unharmed; although it is not clear why at this time. University administrators are currently investigating the incident further.

In another turn of events that was not expected a female staffer became pregnant after taking sabbatical in Jamaica. Although she is not entirely certain as to the exact details, alcohol–and a local soccer–team may have been involved.

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Allegation of Ethnic Profiling Raises Concerns

Arlington, VA – Early last week national security officials here met with community leaders who have long voiced on-going concerns that the America’s national security apparatus is suffering from what some have benignly described as “tunnel vision” when confronting challenges to the safety of Americans.

“The world cannot help but see our efforts as single-minded and biased,” said Jasmine Moonbeam, the director of People United for Serenity and Security during open testimony.

As evidence of her assertion she waved a list of the United State’s most recent prominent figures in matters of law enforcement and overseas contingency operations against man-caused disasters. The list bore names such as Anwar al-Awlaki, Umar Farouk Abdulmuttalab, Abu Nidal Hasan and Faisal Shazad.

“Why are only a certain type of people being targeted by our government?” she asked an obviously unsettled panel convened at the president’s behest.

Not wishing to appear unresponsive to such concerns the Pentagon announced that they would end all policies that might be interpreted as ethnic profiling and would instead institute a strategy of randomly attacking nations.

The new policy has met with mixed reactions by the troops on the ground. Some worried the US would soon be spread too thin but others saw a different side to the strategy.

The Pentagon Situation Room moments before a massive bombing campaign was unleashed on Micronesia.

“Since they started this I’ve shot two Slovenians, a Samoan  and a some guy from a place called Comoros,” said Private First Class Justin Graffman from Spokane, WA.

“I never even knew there was a place called Comoros; so I’ve really learned a lot about geography and stuff.”

Gen. Bradley McAllister, the brain behind the strategy said the haphazard devastation would continue for the foreseeable future.

“Many nations of the world have long criticized our response to the events of 9/11,” he said. “I think it’s important for us to show them that we hear them and we’re willing to take affirmative steps.

“If they feel like we’re just picking on a certain kind of person for no particular reason then by God I’m willing to show them that America can be just as diverse as they want us to be.”

Asked if the new strategy had borne any results the general noted that many within the international community were far more engaged with US efforts than had been previously.

“They look downright anxious to prove their good intentions towards us,” the general explained, smiling.

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And Now A Word from Our Sponsor: Kthul-Aid

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Fear of Adjectives Rising In Kashmir

Kargil, Kashmir – While rival political, religious and ethnic factions have long competed over this troubled region in central Kashmir, today saw a frightening escalation in the tensions that have long-gripped this wind-swept mountain city.

A faction calling itself The Lions of God issued a radio address today threatening to unleash an “amazing” attack upon their enemies if their demands were not met.

No sooner had the ultimatum been delivered than the ruling Al Shahada faction vowed to retaliate with a “marvelous” response.

Seizing upon the unrest other groups declared they would join the fray with “incredible,” “astounding” and “remarkable” blows upon their enemies.

Not to be outdone the Lions of God heightened their stance with declaration of their willingness to launch a full-scale “astonishing” assault.

“And if this does not quell our enemies,” their latest communique read, “then we will be left with no choice but to assail the unbelievers with barrages of ‘stunning’ and ‘fantastic’.”

The latest round of tensions is believed to have arisen when a thesaurus was left unattended by a visiting journalist.

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